bus

write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  i'll be dead or in hospital. i won't have to take responsibility for keeping myself safe. i may feel better,
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  it will let me legitimately relinquish control to someone else. and safely. well, relatively safely. why do i think that's safe? safe compared to what?
  
  it will take away my autonomy, my dignity, and the respect of my fiancé.
  in a way that's what i want. not the respect bit, but i can't keep myself safe and i don't know how to tell someone i need them to be responsible for me for a while.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  i want to get better. i want to lead a normal life and be happy. i want to survive. hurting myself - killing myself, or trying to - will not get me that, and is at best a step backwards and at worst an end to everything.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  it won't be relief, it will just be ... nothing. that's not what i want. but i can't get what i want straight away, it takes time to heal.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  i could tell nathan how i feel. he'd probably take me to hospital and it would ruin the evening, we've got friends over. i'd feel guilty, but i wouldn't be dead. but i can't spoil things for him again, which precludes death *and* asking for help, and i can't think of other options.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  guilty. in both cases. there again, i feel damned guilty all the time anyway, what fucking difference does it make?
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  
  i want to .. be protected, feel safe. be loved and special and important. i'm so needy i make myself sick. i could look after myself but i don't like myself enough.

it doesn't sound needy to me, just that you're genuinely struggling. i'm sure that nath would prefer you to tell him how you're feeling instead of not saying anyhting and risking you're life. telling him how you feel will spoil the evening less of the 2 outcomes i suspect.

i think telling someone you need them to be responsible for you is a way of taking responsibility yourself anyways, and it's important that you try and stay safe.

xxx

thank you Kirsty... i hadn't thought of the responsibility thing like that.

they've gone out now.. i go to bed.