before (sh)

[bg]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It's a silent scream, for help I guess, though I'm not sure I'll reveal it to anyone.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would let by therapist know this isn't working. Nothing will be taken away.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

Closer. They don't seem to respond to me, my needs are not being met.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It will last for a month, maybe longer, then I'll do it again. Last time I SH'd [edited for details], before the pain became unbearable and I had to seek medical treatment. I plan on the same now. [edited for details]


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am supposed to call my therapist, or go to the emergency room, or call 911, but all of those things wind up with me in a mental hospital again, and when I get locked up, I always try to kill myself. The means to do it are already inside, though I often smuggle weapons in. Not SH-ing and being locked up is worse than SH-ing, to me.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I will feel guilty, ashamed, but only because I have to hide it from my wife. She almost saw my scars today. She has no idea that I have 2nd degree burns all over my arms, has not seen a scar since last year, I've hidden them from her so far. As far "the other thing", well it's cut or burn, and burns require more treatment, wound care, and I'm more likely to end up in ER if I go that route, so it's cuting tonight, like usual.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't understand this one. It's SH or SU, the lessor of two evils. I want this scar, this one will be special, I am going to [edited for details], it will mean lots of mess, and time and effort to do it right.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

I agree, I want to live, and stop hurting, and this is how I ask for help.

More Before Questions To Answer



Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Hopelessness. My company is failing, I'm broke, I'm getting worse, not better, I loathe myself. I know I'll never find someone who can accept me, the scars are too severe, no way to explain them, I'm too broken to fix.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I used to drink and get high, but I agreed to quit at my p-docs insistance.
Sometimes I go to sleep, but the urges have been with me for weeks now, and they don't seem to understand how f'd up I ma in therapy.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I look at my fish tanks, watch TV, look at the stars, do this, but there is no running from it anymore.


How do I feel right now?
Rejected, alone, afraid, numb. I don't like who I am. We went over my psychological summary a few weeks ago, not finished with it, but it was hard to see on paper all the terrible things that have happened to me, that I tried to forget, and what a mess I have become.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Relief. I love to see my blood pour down on me. (Sick, I know).

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Guilty at having to hide fresh wounds, scared she'll find out.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No, it is the future that I fear.


Do I need to hurt myself?
What I have planned is probably my worst SH, not counting attempted SH by [Edited for method]. What is really sick is that I got the idea to take photographs while I'm doing it tonight. I should be locked up forever. I hate myself. But tonight I don't have the courage to die, not yet. I have things to do first. I told my wife today that I will take my own life someday. She accepted that, i guess, it didn't seem to concern or bother her.

[sixtyfoothigh]

Hi bg,

It sounds like you're going through a really difficult time.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would let by therapist know this isn't working. Nothing will be taken away.

Could you tell your therapist how you're feeling - so they would know it isn't working without you resorting to SI?

Take care of yourself and if you do SI please make sure you get appropriate medical care.

S x