bus

comments/hugs are okay

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  If I SI I will relieve some of the tension that is building up in my head, and I will feel calmer.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It will bring complications like having to prepare tools, clean up after, hide marks, explain to partner why I Sid, explain to mental health people, explain to everyone, and I might have to go to hospital and I promised myself I wouldn't do that again.
  
  I will have slipped for the first time in 6 months and I don't want to lose that clean run, that's a long time to let go of. I am really trying for a year at least and I don't want to lose that.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to have dealt with the issue. The abuse is the main thing going through my head right now and I want to have moved on from that and to not let it have power over me. If I SI because of it then it will still have power over me, he will have power over me (even though he won't know because he's 200 miles away) and I can't let myself resort to SI every time I feel overwhelmed by the guilt and shame.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  The relief will be fleeting – it will last a few hours, at best, but then I will feel worse after. I may end up drinking too much or SI again and I don't want to do that. The stress of having Sid will also make my tics worse.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could go to sleep, because it is very late, but I don't want to do that because I feel so anxious. I always find it difficult to sleep when I feel bad because I don't want to have to face another day when I wake up. I could talk to people online but I don't want to upset anyone or stress them out. I could wake up my partner but I would prefer to leave him asleep. I could watch some tv on bbc iplayer or even play some piano if I need a big distraction. Eventually I will have to go to sleep and then tomorrow I will have other people around me.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  If I SI I will be even more ashamed of myself tomorrow, and I will be worried about the response from my psychiatrist if I have Sid. If I don't I will be proud of myself for resisting the urge.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to feel less stressed. I want to sleep. I want to get through this period of shame and guilt over the abuse without it making my brain explode. I need to look after myself, I need to keep myself safe.

Is there anything like a transitional activity between now and sleeping you could do to relax you a bit before going to sleep? Piano playing sounded like a good choice, or a long shower? or some herbal tea? Something you find soothing and/or relaxing?

Anxiety is almost always what leads me to be tempted to si too so I empathise a lot with what you are going through. I hope you are able to find some peace tonight and feel better tomorrow. If it comes down to it I think you should definately wake your partner rather than si. I know you don't want to do that but I'm sure he would rather have you wake him up than have you hurt yourself and it can be good to be around other people when you are feeling badly like this.