bus

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  yes i have
• what had happened just before?
  i wanted to leave the place i was staying but the office wasn't open so i couldn't. there was a resident about my age walking around and she saw me with all my bags, walking to the office then walking back to my room, which was embarassing.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  i was angry. i felt like the accomodation was a rip off and staying another night was another failure of the people running it. i was anxious about the person who saw me. i felt like a freak.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  i thought about it for a while, i think i gave in because i didn't have anything else to help me cope.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  i could have thought of other ways to cope with my feelings, and probably given myself more time to fight the urges instead of giving in.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  i was reasonably tired. there was a cranky kid in the room next door who screamed and cried a number of times each night. i don't know if i've been getting enough sleep recently even without that, maybe i could try and relax better before i go to bed (so i'm not awake thinking for hours).
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  i vented in my journal, i watched random stuff on tv. they didn't work all that well. i think my emotions were too 'big' and i didn't realise?
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  i could have played loud music to express my anger. i maybe could have tried to write more. maybe going for a walk would have helped.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  i don't always know when i'm angry? it ends up feeling like it's my fault and i should punish myself. i could write a reminder somewhere to check the coping list that's on my laptop. i felt like si was the only option, but i have written down other stuff and maybe those things would have helped.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  i'm still angry i think? (it was nearly 2 days ago) if i was feeling hugely brave i could ring them and complain, ask for my money back even. probably finding somewhere else to stay would resolve my feelings on the issue.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  anger is a normal reaction, so it's likely i will get angry again but not "feel" angry. it's very hard to take the "si and punish myself" thought and realise i'm actually angry and that it's ok to be angry. maybe i can get some list of feelings that i can look at when i'm not sure what i'm feeling?
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  i will try and work out what feeling/thought is behind a sudden urge
  i will put a shortcut to the coping list on the desktop on my laptop
  i will try listening to music if i feel urgy

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  i didn't have anything planned for the rest of the day, i had a knife on the bench
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  it was just there
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  i probably would have gotten "upset" (mixture of angry, frustrated and down), and made an oppurtunity for a bit later.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  increased. more emotions to deal with.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  being alone and having the feeling that i have to si.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  frustrated, and like i'm trapped.

*si*
i cut down my arm and the ends are visible despite long sleeves. i didn't care about scars, which has been what has kept me from si-ing on my arms much for more than a year. maybe i feel like there is no-one who cares, which is not a nice thought. i don't know how to stop myself continuing with my arms next time, does it even matter if people see?