bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'm not sure. Because I'm not exactly sure what the situation is. I feel so lost in myself. I guess this isn't exactly new, per say, but today is the first day I've actually been able to put a name to it. I'm lost, utterly and completely.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  I think I'll feel more like my old self. I miss SI. That's so sad. It's been 11 days, and I miss it. At the same time, I have said goodbye to it, and I'm glad it's not here right now. But I still miss it so bad. I know it fucks up my life, and I'm shit when I'm "on" it (I've started viewing it like a drug). It will take away my relationships. It will leave me all alone with myself. Oh, and it will mean saying goodbye to Him. The boy I haven't even started with. I just know SI will screw things up with him, whether I tell him or not. And lord, I just can't stand to see M1's face if she ever finds out...
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to be able to deal with things differently. I want to cope better. But right now, that's looking so impossible.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  I don't know. Maybe about a day or two at this rate. That would be nice. But at the same time, when the relief goes away, I'll just SI again. And again. My wrist is so pretty right now -- the lines of my last spree (worst ever?) have healed, scarred, and started to fade. All in one and a half weeks. I mean, I can still see them, and I wish I couldn't. I want a clean, beautiful wrist. I envy others' wrists. That's also pretty sad. Plus, next week is the swimming unit. If I SI, whether on my arm or leg (will wear shorts, though), people may see...
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I have no clue. I'm on really unsteady ground here, because I'm so lost. One moment (see question immediately above), I'll know what I want to say. The next (now), it has all flown right out of my head. See, the thing is, I'm doing fine. I'm happy even!! But I still have the urge. It's making me believe I'll never be free.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Guilty, but I'll probably feel giddy/happy. I'll have that feeling of the little kid that got away with something bad. A guilty but triumphant giggle. If I use the other thing... I didn't even come up with anything else... I should check out the scarily vast list...
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?I should nurture myself. Calm myself. Treat myself. Bt there is no time. I shouldn't even be on Bus! The stress is killing me.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I don't even remember. Thanks, Bus. Well, I just want to go back to something I know, I guess. But at the same time, I know SI is NOT something I "know," no matter how much I think I do.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yeah, I SI-ed and it felt GREAT. But then it screwed up my life for at least a week, even after I stopped. No matter how much my head tells me SI will help, it always messes with me and fucks me over.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Hmm... Nothing, really, except avoiding work. Which I guess isn't too good. I'm going out soon enough; that'll be good cause I no longer carry my tool around with me.
• How do I feel right now?
  I miss the cool metal against my skin. I miss the cold blood. You know what's funny? Whenever I get a nosebleed, the blood is always warm. But when I SI, the blood feels so cold. Oh, how I miss that. 11 days down, 23,500 left (if I live to be 80).
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Mmmmm.... *eyes close in anticipated relief and delight* Now that is just sad.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Bad, bad, yeah, I know...
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  Yeah. I should not slack off in school.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  Nope. And you know what, Bus? The urge is less now! Still something I need to work to fight, but it's less.

Sorry that was so long. I'd really appreciate thoughts/opinions on any of it if you read any at all.

I want a clean, beautiful wrist. I envy others' wrists. That's also pretty sad. Plus, next week is the swimming unit. If I SI, whether on my arm or leg (will wear shorts, though), people may see...

I see that you want to maintain your healed up wrists and not have new cuts on yourself for the swim meet. Those are good motivators. I also see that you are missing the sensation of cutting. One thing I have found very helpful when I am urging is henna. You can get a kit or if you know someone who does henna that is even better. The sensation is reminisant of cutting and it leaves a mark and is cold and wet but in the end it beautifies your skin instead of leaving marks you want to hide. (Additionally it can mask scars a bit which is always a plus.) And once it is there it always seems to me that it would be a shame to mess it up so it remains a motivator not to s.i. while it's fading.

herebedragons wrote:One thing I have found very helpful when I am urging is henna. You can get a kit or if you know someone who does henna that is even better. The sensation is reminisant of cutting and it leaves a mark and is cold and wet but in the end it beautifies your skin instead of leaving marks you want to hide. (Additionally it can mask scars a bit which is always a plus.) And once it is there it always seems to me that it would be a shame to mess it up so it remains a motivator not to s.i. while it's fading.

Wow, that is a brilliant idea. Where can I find one of these henna kits/people? Thank you, Jason! Now I know I just have to hold on until I can at least give henna a shot!

http://www.earthhenna.com/Henna-Body-Pa ... nom8rrtbq4

I've used the kid's kit from these guys. (a friend who does henna gave it to me to use with my daughter, it's fairly cheap and it was really easy.) I've seen kits at art and craft stores and health food stores and such. As far as finding a person who does henna that can be trickier. Sometimes you will see them at fairs, farmer's markets etc. It is popular around here so it is pretty easy, you can compliment someone who is wearing a henna design you like and ask them where they got it done. If that isn't the case where you live doing it yourself may be the easiest thing. If you have artsy friends you might want to ask around, someone may know someone who does it. Or someone may want to try it out with you.

It looks like even Amazon.com has some kits.

Thank you. I can't wait till this comes. That's my new motivation. Thank you so much. No SI at least until I try the henna.

So glad that helped.