bus

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  As best I can.
• what had happened just before?
  M2 was sort of but not really talking to me, and I was fed up.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  Well, I was fed up. I remember thinking, "You know what? You can't hurt me. I am going to be strong and not allow you to hurt me, because I will hurt myself instead..." It made sense before...
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  I was fed up and not thinking. Fuck this all.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  Well, I was just so sick of him. So sick of him. I just wanted him to ask me if I'm okay, because I'M NOT OKAY!! And I also wanted to show myself that I am strong enough to not cry to my friends when I am hurt. The final straw must have been when I said I was fine, and I wanted him to see that I wasn't. But instead, he said, "Oh good." Stupid online conversations; I couldn't tell what that meant.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  I don't think so.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  Fuck, I don't fucking know.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I should've gotten offline. I need to learn to walk on my own, without him.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  It happens over and over. I'm caught. I don't think there is anything to do but be hurt again.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  I'm talking to him. He's not really talking back. Fucking internet chats.
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  Yes, and I did recognize it and it will happen again and again and again because he's not fucking talking to me!!!
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
  I can't commit. I thought I could, but I failed myself. Fail, fail fail!
  
  Fail at life!
  
  Failure!!

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  My blade was right there and my family wasn't home.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  It was there.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  Um, I would have waited, and then probably slipped later.=/
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  Not sure. Maybe increased, maybe decreased. Maybe stayed the same.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  All of those, minus new tools. Having supplies is a biggie, though.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
  Grateful to whomever took them away but agitated.

Why can't I have a fucking productive After? Ever?

Hey.
Sorry things were tough. It sounds like that was a really tough conversation. It's hard wanting people to notice that you're hurting and having them not notice. I have two immediate thoughts.
1.

I can't commit. I thought I could, but I failed myself. Fail, fail fail!

Fail at life!

Failure!!

Talking to yourself this way is rarely productive. You didn't fail at life. You aren't a failure. Can you try to describe what happened in a less judgmental way?

2. Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist? I'm assuming that M2 is a friend or boyfriend? Sometimes, for as much as they care, friends just aren't good at being supportive and dealing with difficult emotions. I am wondering if you would benefit from having other support too, including some people who are trained to give good advice and listen effectively. This isn't to say that you shouldn't talk to your friends or turn to them for support, but sort of spread it around and not rely on one person all the time, particularly since the person doesn't seem to be meeting your needs at the present time.