bus

Like the title says, this happened last night... but I need to do these questions, still, to examine these feelings behind my SI.

• what had happened just before?

I had to eat something, because I had posted in pbh, and was told that I should eat more. And I knew that they weren't wrong. And then I ate. But that just made my emotions worse.

• what were you thinking and feeling?

I felt like a fat failure... I just felt like I needed to go away into quarantine, because I just seem to make everyone else upset because of my SI... and I still haven't finished my work... Also, I was looking at some college letters that I had received and it made me feel stupid because I was procrastinating, and I didn't feel like I deserved to get them.

• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

I SIed then because it was the end of the day, and I knew that no one would really call me back with them. I guess the final straw was just going in my room and just thinking about how the day had gone, and how I was triggered to no end the WHOLE day, and it just pissed me off.

• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

Maybe I could have gone here and done a 'before' post, or I could have went to my mom and talked about it (although she thinks my thoughts about SI are mostly 'stupid')... I could have done anything to stop it, I just didn't want to.

• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Well, yesterday was my second day of quitting drugs, and I just felt so damn sick and tired. I just wanted to use, too, because I don't really want to quit (although I haven't told anyone that). Maybe I just could have tried to get some sleep, although that hasn't been so well for me, either. I should have just taken some benadryl and called it a night.

• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I was going to write, but I just didn't feel 'in the mood'... then I tried to cry, but it didn't work, I couldn't even cry. But then I tried to just hug a pillow or something (sounds ridiculous). They didn't work well, I guess, because I just went ahead and SIed, anyways.

• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Well, those coping methods could have worked. Maybe I should have tried punching the pillow, to get bad emotions out, or something. That could have helped.

• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I could write them down and keep them in a visible place. Or I could put them on my cell phone, because I always have it around me.

• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I feel that yesterday was just a bad day, I was just triggered over and over again, and I just should try to avoid those things if I want to feel better. I guess the situation is resolved.

• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

To be honest, I'm kinda in the same place now. I still feel down and in the same situation, but I just want to turn the situation around. Eh.

• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will try to read a book, write, or draw. Those things distract me the most because I am pretty good at them. I could try to make a list of the ways I feel, and try to make a list of why they aren't really true, that may help.

I should have just taken some benadryl and called it a night.

Woah. I was not aware that I was not the only one for whom benadryl is more than an allergy medicine. Is benadryl the drug you were referring to when you said you quit? If so, very good. I used to take benadryl every night to help me sleep. It got out of hand. I can assure you that quitting is the right thing to do. I'm kind of glad you didn't "take some benadryl and called it a night." It's good you're kicking that habit, if that is what you were talking about.

No, I was talking about cocaine, & lots of adderall, ritalin, dxm, etc.

But I can't sleep without sleeping pills or benadryl. I'm getting used to sleeping without them, though, because I've been having an overwhelming sleepyness lately.

Oh, okay, can't relate to that then.

I used to not be able to sleep without benadryl, though. But then it got to the point when, if I didn't want to face my day, I'd take it to school with me. Baaad idea. I would strategize, like, "Okay, I have to be awake for this math test, but then I can zone out for the rest of the day, so I'll take it halfway through math so it'll kick in at the end..." And then I started scaring myself with my dependence on it. So I handed it over to a friend. *sigh* I still sometimes wish I had it.

Yes, please try to get used to sleeping without them. Ever tried melatonin? Over-the-counter pills that are amazing miracles.

But hey, don't beat yourself up over it. We all slip up occasionally. Read that book, write that piece (poetry, prose, or whatever), or draw that picture. Or make that list. Stay strong, and stay safe, please.

Lena