bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  it will go away. it's all internal stuff. it'll make it go away.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring calm and peace and quiet to my head. it will take away my pride in being almost three months SI free.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i want to be able to *feel* my feelings rather than pushing them away. SIing will take that away from me.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it will last for ... an hour. then bf will be home and all hell will break loose. then i will hide and cry and comfort him and feel ashamed.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i can sit here and talk to people online and post on the various forums. that will help calm me down. that change will last long enough till bf gets home. then i can think about what i'm gonna do afterwards together with him.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  ashamed and angry with myself.
  if i do the other thing i will probably still feel urgey tomorrow but i'll know that i can do it.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i want to curl up with a blanket over my head and cry.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  overwhelming flashbacks and other memory flashes. a hard pdoc session and a hard t session.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  i have been here before, yes. oh god, so many times. i ... spent a lot of time online, keeping myself safe. it made me feel a little better.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i have put little tiny rocks in my shoes to ease the dissociation. i have talke to my t and pdoc but that only made things worse. i might try eating some chocolate later on (when the cat isn't on my lap anymore - can't disturb his cute peaceful sleep. )
• How do I feel right now?
  overwhelmed, really scared, really exhausted.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  angry at self.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  afterwards i'll feel even angrier and tomorrow i'll be REALLY disappointed in myself.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  i can try to deal with it better maybe. by going through this. by fighting with tooth and nail to get through this. every time it gets a little easier. i know this from experience already.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no. i don'T even want to. the child inside of me is really scared that i will. but the urges are there. but i won't. i think i can do this for another hour.

i'm glad that you don't feel you need or want to SI. you're very generous putting your cat's sleep as a priority like that, can you curl up under a balnket and cry for a while, or maybe call and tal toyour t or pdoc, even if it didn't help before sometimes later when you've had more of a chance to process things lets it work a bit better.

i hope things feel easier when you have some company at home xx

That was a very well thought-out before! Much better than mine, anyway. I really hope you are okay, now! Stay strong!

Yummm, chocolate.