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Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  it will get better, or at least feel better for at least a short period of time
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring a release, an ability to take out my anger and frustration, it will not make the pain go away or make anything truly better but it will focus the pain
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to be understood.
  I don't think it will bring me either direction, the doctors won't understand more and neither will my mom
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will last a little while at least, the pain and the act itself will last a little, and then taking care of it will take a little longer
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I don't know, I've been having these urges for a while now, I've been out with friends I've typed stuff out, I sang really loud to my stereo, I even had a therapy appointment today nothing has helped yet. I even talked about cutting with a close friend, that didn't help either.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will be upset with myself, I guess, I don't know if I care at the moment about what I do to myself, it feels like my body is fighting me anyway so why not fight back
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to be heard, to be understood. I don't want to be in pain anymore, I want my life back. I need to accept things are changing, I need to accept that people don't understand the crap I'm going through or at least only a few people do, and I need to accept that my mom is who she is and nothing is going to change.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Realizing this illness has taken a ton from me (undiagnosed, don't know what's going on) that I have to call in sick to work and to the hotline, that I can't focus like I used to. My mom also went through my stuff, she betrayed my trust yet again, and pulled the same crap she always does to take the blame off of her. I just got to my breaking point, I thought I was on an upswing and I crashed again with my health.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Without the mom stuff yes, last week I broke down at school and I had my friends around me to help me through. I actually think just having the hugs and realizing how much everyone care was a huge help, things aren't that different now, they still care, I guess it's the second crash and the mom thing that make it a bit different. I felt aweful, I felt useless both times, like I was incapable of doing anything now, and what was the point of going on.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I talked to a friend, I stayed at school, I've typed and written down my feelings, I'm hoping doing this helps through this rough patch. I guess I can tell my friend that I'm still feeling triggered, It is so hard to do, but I can try at least.
• How do I feel right now?
  awful, I want to cry, my body hurts, I'm tired, painkillers aren't working, and I'm depressed.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.