bus

This does have a few expletives in it, just warning you.

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  The situation won't change, but the feeling will. I'll feel better, because I don't think I'll feel at all.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will... I have no clue.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel more stable, lighter, not so heavy and stretched so thin. It isn't likely to help, but it isn't likely to hurt, either.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Probably until tomorrow morning. Then I'll feel screwed up and lost and stressed and miserable.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could... I could just go to sleep, but I feel like I can't. I could write it out, but I'm afraid seeing it all on paper will make me that much more miserable. If I could manage doing those instead, it will leave me exhausted and stressed tomorrow morning and tomorrow I'll feel even worse.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will feel the same either way. The only difference will be the pain in my sleeves.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I have no. Fucking. Clue.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I feel the need to hurt myself because I feel stretched thin and miserable and stressed out and unhappy and entirely out of control. The stupid freaking marching band meeting for ireland with both my parents at the same time is what drove me to this frantic point.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yes. I either cut, or ran, or both. I felt exhausted enough to pass out when I ran, and numb enough to sleep when I cut. Running is not an option for me right now as it's 9:30 at night.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've gone on BUS and filled this out, trying to get rid of this weird panic. I've had cookies and milk, I'm listening to music. I could write it out, but like I said, I'm afraid of that option.
• How do I feel right now?
  Frantic. In a panic. Stressed to the point of frenzy. Absolute misery. Unhappy. Insecure.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Nothing. That's the point, I think.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Nothing. And tomorrow morning, I will feel the crack of dried blood and maybe even not quite as stressed, if I'm lucky.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can't avoid it, but I could try to stay calm, I guess. But it's just so hard...
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  At this point, I feel like the answer is a resounding YES.