before

[lily_trying]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? a sense of relief, a break from the current thoughts and feelings and a break from coping. and in other ways may affirm the urges or self-hating thoughts.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? the above, would bring a break from things and a relief or release. would maybe take away the work i've done staying away from it. would also possibly bring affirmation that the negative thoughts & feelings i'm having are right.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? in the short term it would bring me closer to how i want to feel, long term would be no different or worse. i just want to feel at peace with things, i want to feel the way i did years ago, not the way i am now.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? for the rest of the day or into tomorrow. unsure of what would happen after. probably more self-hate for doing it...
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? do self-care things i've been avoiding, which may help baseline things for a while. not sure what else to do. work on distracting myself, even though that doesn't change things beyond keeping away from harming. it feels like the things that would possibly change the situation seem too hard right now...
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? if i did si, i would either feel relieved or ashamed... 50/50 chance for either. if i went without, i'm not sure how i'd feel, i worry i would feel ashamed & self-hating either way.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i really want to be free of these thoughts & feelings. i want to be capable, the way i used to be or like someone else. i know si isn't addressing that directly, but i can't think of anything else that would.

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? i hate the thoughts & feelings i'm having right now. there's the panic & worry, and then there's the depression, self-hating, shame & harming urges & su thoughts... i feel like i can't deal with all of them.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? i know i have, but i can't picture or remember how i dealt with it...
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? writing out the answers to this, listening to music, reading, are things i've done so far. i could do self-care things, or contact someone, but it feels like all that takes too much energy...
• How do I feel right now? useless, tired, worried, scared, depressed, alone, ashamed.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself? probably blank or empty.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? after probably relieved, distracted, maybe feel a bit okay or together/grounded. tomorrow... relieved but ashamed.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? i should be able to deal with it better, but i don't know if i can actually do it.
• Do I need to hurt myself? not logically, no...