write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
- what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
On the positive-ish side, at least for a minute, I'll feel calmer. Relaxed. Less anxious.
On the negative side, I'll lose credibility in the eyes of my T and pdoc. And I'll have to deal with wounds. And I'll have let myself down. I know I don't want to do it, but god, the thoughts are so enticing sometimes.
Overall, SI would make things worse. It would bring chaos to the situation, and gods know I don't need any more chaos in my life. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I feel like I'm always saying the same thing in response to this question-- I want to feel in control, sane, capable, whole, mature. And SI is diametrically opposed to where I want to be. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
You know, it'll probably only be a couple of minutes of relief, if that. After that, it'll be all, "oh, fuck, what have I done?!?"-- because I know I would do serious damage, and because I don't want to give up so much time clean. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could write on here more and/or take my anxiety meds and zonk out. Both of these will bring longer, more reliable relief than cutting would. And I can go to the gym tomorrow, which will help... and I've got T on Wednesday, which also will help. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
God, I will feel awful if I cut. I won't be able to look myself in the eye. And if I take the anxiety meds and zonk out, I'll feel better and calmer tomorrow, even if a little bit dazey.
If I write on here or call a friend, I'll feel calmer, too. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
...wow. Big question!
I kind of want to do yoga. Or call one of my partners and talk about stuff. Or just take the anxiety med and sleep til morning. Maybe drawing/writing would be good too.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
UGH, SO ANXIOUS. The new medication my pdoc has put me on has decreased my depression greatly (suicide no longer sounds like a good idea!) but hasn't done anything yet for the anxiety. She started me on a new anti-anxiety med today, but it'll take a couple of weeks to work.
Obsessive fucking thoughts. Fucking anxiety. It's so hard to stop that train once it's started. The obsessive thoughts are mostly about self-destruction, but another part of my anxiety is an absolute fear of going crazy. I'm afraid that I'm never going to get better-- that I've got something worse/less treatable going on than depression/anxiety/OCD-- and that I'm never going to be a productive member of society again. I'm afraid I'm never going to do anything except sleep twelve hours a day and be a drain on society, and it terrifies me. The idea of having to deal with this much anxiety indefinitely terrifies me, as well.
Also, I miss one of my best friends; we haven't talked in a while, and I know it's just that she's busy/swamped at work, but I miss her. I need my friends right now.
And this med I'm on has me feeling all cloudy-headed and tired. I don't feel like I am thinking as clearly/well as I normally do. I'm scared that this will remain indefinitely as well. Logically, I know this is not the case, but I am terrified of it.
And I'm feeling so helpless re: work things. I've got total performance anxiety due to the circumstances under which my last job ended. I fear that I am a failure and that I'll never be able to work a good job again. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've been here more times than I care to admit-- but this time feels different. My anxiety is higher/different and the meds have me feeling less clear/thoughtful than usual.
At the other times that I've felt this urgy, I've written, talked about it, worked out, did art, and slept-- and all of those things left me feeling better than SI would have. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
The only thing I've tried so far is writing. I should try more self-soothing things before I come flailing on here like OMG NOTHING IS WORKING.
I can try all the things I mentioned above. - How do I feel right now?
Anxious, afraid, helpless, alone, discouraged, overwhelmed. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relieved. But guilty. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Regretful, guilty, sad, angry. Awful. Worse. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Anxiety: will be easier to deal with when adjusted to meds.
Work: I don't know how better to deal with it, but I know there's got to be a better way. - Do I need to hurt myself?
No, I never *need* to hurt myself.
