bus

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  There isn't any external reason, nothing bad has happened and I'm not even very upset. I'm just incredibly tempted. I cut a week ago and now I remember the sight of the blood, the feeling of doing it "bad enough" but not "too bad" (according to my own standards of course), except now I want to do it "worse" just to beat myself at my own game. I ought to change the dressing and check the wound but I'm afraid to do so, because I'm way too fascinated by the look of stitches and bruises, it makes me want to do it again.
  
  Ok, there is some sadness underneath here, too. Half the time I'm feeling low and in despair, half the time I think nothing is wrong, and all the time I think I shouldn't complain so much because there are lots of people in the world who are worse off, and yet I keep on complaining. At least when I SI, I can physically see that things aren't perfect.
  
  And I'm scared. Of being a bad person, of people not liking me, of society hating crazy people like me, of people I love dying, of physical pain (yeah I know that's quite absurd given the circumstances). When I SI, I feel safe for a moment.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  I guess mostly I have tried to postpone it, distracted myself, waited for the urge to go away, which it eventually does and I feel better for a while, and then it starts all over again.
  
  I don't really know what to do about my need for validation and safety. While it's nice when people say appreciative things to me, it doesn't seem to reach into my core. And there's no way I can convince myself that my fears aren't realistic, because these things happen, life isn't ever safe.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  Have actually had a relaxed day. Cuddled with b/f in the morning and watched a dvd in bed before he had to go to work. Slept some since I was tired, watched sports on tv, ate comfort food, took a walk, phoned my kids, got some cute valentine's cards in the mail, did some laundry and stuff so I wasn't totally useless. It should have been a nice day, you know?
  
  I don't know... I can browse the newspapers online, do some situps, have promised to call a friend, could spend an hour on the phone, maybe watch a movie. I thought of painting but that seems too scary.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Sad. Guilty for feeling sad.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  Stronger. Or just numb.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Some weird mix of guilty for upsetting other people who may find out and secretly pleased for myself.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  The only thing I can think of right now is to resist really hard until the recent cut has healed and is less triggery to me.
  
  And to be careful to stick to routines, esp. re taking my meds properly, as not doing so tends to set things off.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No. I just want to. I don't do everything I want.

Stellaria wrote:

• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No. I just want to. I don't do everything I want.