bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I'll feel more in control, but I'll feel guilty. I'll feel proud because I have shown people that I have control over my feelings and I don't have to go cry to other people about my feelings. I'll be able to focus better on the work that's hovering over me.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  Well, I'll be able to focus, I think. It will help me make an indent on this ridiculous amount of work I have. I've been procrastinating on Bus to try to resist the urge. If I give in, I'll be able to work. I'll probably feel guilty, though.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel proud, but right now, I don't think that will ever happen. I don't think I'll ever truly beat SI forever. It will always be in me, no matter how long I resist. Still, hurting myself is going to get me farther from that feeling, I guess.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It'll probably bring relief right away and last for maybe a few hours, I think. Possibly all day. I know I'll regret it tomorrow, though, and the urges will be stronger. Whenever I give in, the urges return even stronger. What will I do then? I'll probably break down and talk to my friends, even though that's what I'm trying to avoid right now.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  All I have to do is my homework, because my mom will kill me if I try to do anything else. That will probably just make my urges worse. What will I do then? I have no idea.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I'll feel accomplished if I work. I'll feel guilty if I hurt myself. Still... tomorrow isn't enough to stop me from thinking about today...
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to cut. Or sleep. Or take something that will stop me from thinking. But none of these are good. I don't know.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Too much work, too much stress, no friends to talk to.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Yes. I did my work, I had ice cream, I watched the Superbowl. I've also tried reading. These made me feel better. But in the long run, the urges have always come back.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I've been on Bus. I can keep going on Bus, but I need to do my work. I don't know. I could play piano...
• How do I feel right now?
  Right this instant? I feel like I want to go play piano (hooray for Before questions helping me identify something that might make me feel better!). If I still feel urgy after that, I think I'll slip. I feel hopeless, worthless, sad. Upset. Tired. So exhausted. So tired of everything. So sick of everything. Done with it all. I just want to give in, and the only way I can feel stronger is with SI.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Ahhh, the relief. I'll feel a bit of guilt. But all of this stress can pour out with the blood. The pain will flow through me and distract me from my thoughts. I can let it all out.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  So relieved that the pain of the urge is over. But guilty. And tomorrow morning, I'll feel guilty and even more urgy, probably.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I'll try by playing piano.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  I don't need to. Do I want to? Hells yeah.

I know I'll regret it tomorrow, though, and the urges will be stronger. Whenever I give in, the urges return even stronger. What will I do then? I'll probably break down and talk to my friends, even though that's what I'm trying to avoid right now.

If the end result is that you will most likely end up talking to your friends why not skip to that part and that way you don't have to deal with the guilt of self injury or the increased urges?

When I have work that I am dreading I find that just diving in and doing a bit of it helps to dispell my dread of it. I'll set a timer for whatever ammount of time seems doable (five minutes, fifteen minutes) or I set a goal like 'I'll get this one page done" and almost always once the timer goes off or the page is done I'm feeling better about the work I have to do and I can get through it. If not I take a break and then repeat the process until I get it done. Break it down into chewable bites.

Good luck.