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Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel a hell of a lot calmer.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will bring calm and make the panic go away.
  it'll take away my pride. my ability to say, "i'm SI free. i beat this"
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  i wanna feel calm about situations like these. not as cranky. not freaking out. not having a crying breakdown. hurting myself brings me further away from that.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  the relief will last until gf gets home and i have to tell her. then i'll feel very embarrassed and will have to deal with her anger. again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could take a bath. i need one anyway. that change will last until i get out of it and face chemistry again.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  if i hurt myself i'll feel stupid. if i take a bath i'll probably forget i wanted to hurt myself in the first place.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  i wanna curl up somewhere and hide. i can best honor that instinct by doing something good for myself i suppose. give myself a hug. talk to my gf on the fone, etc.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  studying something i don't understand at all.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  yes i'Ve been here before. and i felt STUPID and i dealt with it by avoiding - which is not an option right now.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  i have stopped studying. taken a break so to speak. sent my mom home who made me feel like a failure.
  i can ... i dunno. except for take a bath i can't come up with anything.
• How do I feel right now?
  really upset. panicked. stupid.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  better!!!! Grrrrrrr. no i won't. i'll feel ashamed and scared.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  afterwards i#ll feel ashamed and scared and embarrassed and tomorrow i'll feel a lot o fanger towards myself.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  cant avoid it. can't deal with it any better than i'm trying here.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  no. but shit i WANT to so so so badly. but i don't want to at the same time. i wanna STOP with that shit. grrrrrr.
  i feel so helpless.

Hi Cloudya

Do you teachers know that you're having such trouble with this subject? Is there a way that you could get some extra help or some tutoring, to make this less of a consistent stressor?

It's hard to come up with ways to make yourself feel better when you're in the thick of a bad situation...would it help to make a list when you're feeling calmer, to have on hand when you're feeling urgy? (Don't forget the Distractions list in Sourcebook)

I like to watch a favourite movie when I'm feeling bad...and eat or drink something warm...

I hope you're doing okay. if okay.