Before (would it really be that bad?)
Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 2:59 pm
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't know. I started to become anxious Thursday night because I knew I had to phone the public insurance office and my pdoc's office Friday morning. I don't like making "official" phone calls. But after I had made the calls, which was a pretty quick task, I didn't feel much relief, actually just felt worse as the day went on. Now Sunday mid day, I still feel like shit. I was handling my own and my boyfriend's meds this morning and felt very unsafe, but I think that was because I was already in a bad mood, most of the time I have no problem with having meds around.
Could be just another mood swing, I have them all the time for no good reason. Which doesn't make me feel any better, just freakish.
Thinking that if I cut, I don't need to OD which would be worse. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, both in the feeling bad and not knowing why, and the wanting to cut to prevent worse actions.
Sometimes I have been able to distract myself, soothe myself, ask for help from others, or occasionally use calming meds until the feelings pass. Then I would feel anything from totally ok to very disturbed just from knowing how bad it can get.
Sometimes I have cut and felt anything from relieved to guilty to scared.
Sometimes I have actually done things like OD, and felt this strange mix of guilt and calm. I knew I shouldn't have done it for the sake of other people, but I felt lighter because I had pushed the limit, I didn't have to fear something bad happening because I already made it happen.
I'm not sure where I'm at right now. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I got up at 7 a.m. (sleeping too much can make me feel worse). Have done 1 hr of yoga and relaxation exercises, walked outside in the sunshine for 1 hr. Done some chores like grocery shopping and put a load of laundry in the machine. Called a friend who is going to call me back in a little while. Will bake some bread and have some (happy) movies I could watch.
Have a T appointment tomorrow, I should try to tell him what's happening. Not that it will necessarily make me feel better, but maybe I will feel more obliged to act sensibly. - How do I feel right now?
A weight in my stomach. Tired but restless. Like my head is going to burst from all these thoughts. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Focused. Stronger. Angry. Free. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Probably another weird mix of guilty for being selfish and more contained and defined. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
since I don't know for sure what the stressor is. I can't avoid phone calls and I made them as planned and got the information I needed. I can't avoid handling meds and most of the time that's not a problem anyway. - Do I need to hurt myself?
The best I can manage right now is to tell myself I can't do it now, I have to wait until Wednesday.
