...before.

[lily_trying]

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? the situation wouldn't change, except it might distract my thoughts away from it. the feelings would--like i was doing the "right" thing by hurting myself as some kind of punishment.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? bring a sense of relief from the thoughts around it & su ideations, as well as a distraction. would also bring more shame maybe... would take away any of the positive ideas i have about my ability to cope.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i feel too lost to know how i want to feel about it in the long run, besides just feeling some kind of acceptance & peace with things & with myself, or some kind of relief, or just feeling "okay" or "better"... harming would probably bring me closer in the short term but farther in the long term.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? probably something like a few hours, which might bring an urge to just do it again after that -- ideally i want to find something that brings relief until tomorrow at least...
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i could try contacting someone but i feel too ashamed to i think... i could try to keep distracting with other, safe things like listening to music or going to the distractions thread etc... i don't think anything i could do would change the situation, except for possibly keeping me away from harming.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? if i went through with harming i would feel ashamed tomorrow, but possibly relieved or like i did the "right" thing. (i realize how ironic & wrong that statement is logically, eep. ) if i do the other things, i would probably feel upset that i didn't do the "right" thing, but would also probably feel less shame.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i really want to si because i just really want to feel relief. i'm not sure right now on how to find that otherwise--maybe if i read some previous before & afters i wrote after this i might be reminded of some things...

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? i keep thinking i'm a horrible person (& a bunch of other bad things) and so i deserve nothing but bad or painful things. i feel ashamed & stupid... remembering the times people have told me things to affirm these kind of thoughts is what brings me to this, and su thoughts from thinking that better people deserve to be here more than me.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? with most of the feelings i've been here before, but not all of them... so it feels new, even if it might not be.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? i was crying a bit but made myself stop--i guess letting myself do that might be good. or any other safe ways of expressing emotion. distractions might work some too.
• How do I feel right now? upset, tired of the thoughts, overwhelmed, ashamed, tired from feeling triggered & urgy, worthless, depressed.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself? blank but a bit focused as well.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? after, relieved some but also shame & a larger want to do it again probably. the next morning would be about the same, not sure...
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? can't really avoid it unless i was in a much better place with self-worth & self-esteem which i don't see happening for a very long time if ever right now ... can deal with it better, just can't think of how right now.
• Do I need to hurt myself? emotionally i think i do need to, but logically i know that isn't the case...