bus

sunday 1/20
yesi suck becuse i slipped w/ out thinking about it frist


have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. yeah i cleaned them i dont wanna wrap them thoe i think i should


what had happened just before? i got kicked down agin i wasnt aloud to see my son
i was so looking foward to seeing him i'm crushed


what were you thinking and feeling? what the hell is so wrong w/ me
i am not eve worse damn

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? it was the lesser of two evils becuse atlest i'd still be alive afterwords becuse my kids mean everything to me and to take one away from me makes me empty and disconnect


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
becuse she is evil and i feel powerless


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? no i took my medz and got some sleep i was doing really well today untill then


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? none i just dove right in w/ out a second thought


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? for this issuie i dont know any yet


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. i'll go hide in the corner


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
still powerless and empty i wanna just destroy everythign i see and burst even thoe know it dont help me

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? becuse i get overly self destrotive try to control myself better


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. do sit ups push ups anythign to get the engey and emoshoin out

tueday 1/22

i still dont understand why i had such a spure of the moment out burst
becuse i went thoe the exsact feelings last and i survibed them
I'm still stuggleing w/ it even this morning

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? its going destroy me a little more and at more scars to my long list

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? its going take the furstashoin out of me and its going me that warm healing feeling i always get/ but it will only show that i am still a wast and a mess and make really beleave that i am not worth haveing my son like she says to me


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i wanna feel better i wanna be happy i wanna feel that warm cozey feeling i get from seeing smile and call me dada/ *gasps* it'll take a millon miles backwards
and make things a millon times worse for me and more importently for him


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? after awnsering the last questoin it sure feels like the best thing god damn i am so low now i thiught is things was supptta help *gasps* i know the relief wont last and i would be makeing fake bandaid but i really need the conforet right now/ when that feeling is gone thoe i'll feel just like i do now


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? well talking and trying improve the situation becuse i tryed but ended up lashing out very brutaly i dont know


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? i'm feeling dead inside so i cant think that heres anythig worse to feel / hople if i did something else i will be proud of myself cuse i wont have to hide it and i'll be able to F you even thoe you have pushed me here i am stronger than you so give me my son


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i wanna play w/ my son so baddly / i' open to ideas use im stupped i just got out my favort hoodie i could currle up into a ball maybe becuse balls look pretty safe inside right now i am only unsafe around myself becuse i wanna lash out and i dont lash out at no one but myself

tuesday 1/22

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i feel like i am failure and i need to explode i am so mad and crushed being w/ out my son i wanna destory myself

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? yes a few times and its never a healthy out come like dirt and like i am let down


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? shower talked to a freind and shovled the old lady down streets drive way for her


How do I feel right now? miserbler i wanna burst


How will I feel when I am hurting myself? numb just complet dumb and numb


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
well for little bit i'll be numbed and maybe even up / but by morning hell w/ in a few hours i'll crash and be right back here


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? well i gotta confroint it some how becuse itll never go away i cant just forget
and i cant just let it go


Do I need to hurt myself? part of me wants to say yes/ but another part of me says no i have been really stuggleing it i've held my tools twice but put them back down twice also for what ever that worth

The bit that interested me was about picking up the tool and putting it down twice, to me that means something, and that's you're still able to fight it at that late a stage, which is really awesome!!! Sorry to hear about the after, but don't give up on hope, the fact you are still trying with "Before" posts and such is a really good thing

Jason

i kind of thought i was just being weird becuse i was pick them up and just putting them back down and walking away and hideing

wen 1/23

Triggery i think S/I


i'm still going at it wrestling w/
both my feeling and urges this morning i am still going feeling simi safe
thoe i dont know what to use for an almost or if there is even an almost
slip becuse that what i would call this moring
went thru the fulll moshoins of a normal seshoin
and when it came time i just sat there holding my my tool and yelling instead of s/i'ing
so i guess the before cuz i didnt hurt myself

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i'm feeling lifeless and dead inside and i really dont care it seems like the world wants my blood so becuse i am so angry i'm ready to give it to them still the same stuff

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? every day this month some times i cut some times i yell some time i currle up into a ball


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? so far to yelled i havent punched any walls or nothing yet like i feel inside i have shower and i am drinking coffey now


How do I feel right now? dead and lifeless like what is the point


How will I feel when I am hurting myself? release maybe cleanesed


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
weak dumb and the same as i already feel i know that nothing is going to take this feeling away and i'm trying to acspet that

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? still at a blank here but the problom is my feelin and in my mind


Do I need to hurt myself?
i'm totaly verbly going to say no i dont need to but in the back of my mind going to fight myself on that awnser becuse i am pick things up and going thru my normal moshoins settleing into my places and everything else i do before and durning i came very very close this morning but i ended makeing myself put it down and then away
i know i sounded like a retard and crazy this morning so glad i was alone

still wen

i found better questoins

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
becuse i went all the way up the cutting

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
i think given what is going on i am makeing opportunitys more so in my head

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? pushed back down and be angry like i am


If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
its defintly increaseing

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
it is defintly the feeling

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
scared aboned i dont even wanna thinnk about that right now

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
yea-

If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
becuse i have been stuggleing w/ them for almost amonth

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
yelling so far today

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
no put it was all i could think off since i was talking myself out of cutting

If No - What coping skills got me through?
maybe drumming witch i am on my way out the door in few to do

Why do I think they worked?
becuse music sooths the savige beast

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in? i really dont know becuse w/ this i feel like i am fighting myself not to go binging

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings? i'm just trying to get by i can fill my mind some times but other i cant


Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?


If No - What coping skills got me through?


Why do I think they worked?


How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?

With those last couple of posts...were they basically the ones saying you managed to get through the urge and succeeded in not SI-ing? Just a bit confused on the questions, since they are from here and there...

If so then well done in advance

Jason

everything has been confuesing from the start lol
i try to make better cents in the futuer lol

today so far i chanlled urges into a letter and sent it to her
w/ out being dierespectful or anythign mean
since she flet the need to dangle my son in face this morning

She did what?!? I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but that is just rude and immature of her!!! What is she going to achieve from that apart from taunting you?? However to write a letter without anything rude to channel urges, that is something to really be proud off

I hope you get a response from her soon

Jason

telling me just what my son has been doing all day
and then cutting off the convershoin as soon as i try to talk

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it will clam down my raceing thoughts its let me feel in control of something and it vailtdate how i feel

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? it will give me power over my feeling
it'll make me look weak


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i just dont wanna feel like this no more i
it will help me release and not feel for a while

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
maybe it will last untill i got so sleep
i dont know i'd hope to be a sleep and not wake up even thoe that wont happen

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i'm gonna try my red markers and pray they get me thru becuse i am angry and that makes me wanna cut so i'm hope the red markers make smile and laft and get thru my anger


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow i will feel weak and hopeless if i cut myself over that wast of space *takes deep breath* opps i need to clam down / if i use my markers in the morning i'll feel empowered and in control of my feels i hope

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? sit and self lofe in being sick and talk to my freinds

hoodie and lots of blankets might make me feel all safe and in conrtol when i calm down

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI? kind of


If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out? feeling helpless comepletly helpless and that everythign i do in life i am bound to fail


What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
my new red marker

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
not really

If No - What coping skills got me through?
i could have stayed out of cutting space and away from my tools did something else w/ my hands

Why do I think they worked?
becuse i tryed w/ all of might to fight my urges

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in? think of a better battle plan

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
becuse i'm stuck in another bing

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
it was a combo of the two i've been finding myself feeling on self lofeing and my urges

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge? i've been kind o huddling up and going all hurmit untill letting the ugres just sit untill i can get to be alone


If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased? increassed like they are doing now


What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling? being alone and the right feeling


If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel? sad and anxis very very resless and more helpless