bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  i will feel different. this emptiness and nothingness will change, even if it's for the worse. the icy, empty nothign is unbearable.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will let me change the way i feel which i can't seem to do at the moment. it takes away independence, the good things i've learned, renders them.. almost useless. it's like choosing to be helpless in the grip of depression.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  at the moment, i'm not even sure there's going to be a long term. i'm not sure i want there to be. i'm not sure i care if there isn't.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it will be brief, but maybe brief is enough to let me endure for a while. i see this right now as respite. a break from the beige blankness that has taken over my brain.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  i could do ice thing, drawing crafting sewing... all but drawing offer the opportunity to hurt myself and i'm not strong enough not to do it. don't think i can concentrate enough to draw.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  maybe i will at least feel. if not i'll e back to this blankness and it won't make a damned bit of difference.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  that... i just want to cease being. to stop hurting. to feel something other than emotional pain.