bus

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? would give me a different pain to focus on in the short term, one that feels more manageable. would not change anything in the long term, or the situation causing the feelings.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? would bring grounding & focus on something other than the thoughts i'm having now... would also bring some guilt in again, and take away the idea that i can cope without.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? i want to feel free from the thoughts i'm having, want to feel 'better' & confident with myself. harming would bring farther & closer on different aspects.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? would last short term, probably only for some hours. after that i would be at the same place & might be more likely to harm again.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? can't think of anything that would change the situation long-term or even short-term. but could possibly do some basics like having a good meal or taking a nap. or do something distracting with the computer or music, or write or contact someone. unsure how i would feel after any of that.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? basically the same all around, except if i si there would be added feelings of guilt... and the urges might be worse.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

unsure what it is i want to do, but whatever it is that will make me feel less upset & more grounded. possibly the alternatives listed above?

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? various things physically. and emotionally seeing something an ex wrote on my website making me feel more useless & like i'm horrible & deserve to be hurt.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? yes, felt nearly the same emotions each time i think... but seem to never be able to remember how i was able to deal before, although i know i did, the details get lost...
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? trying to write this out, keeping distractions around. could also try taking care of myself if i can, or contacting others if i can.
• How do I feel right now? useless, pained, pathetic, lost.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself? most likely blank.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? slightly relieved at first. guilty later & by tomorrow.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? can't avoid it, could deal better, just unsure how.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

emotionally, yes, logically, no.

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner.

Did you manage to beat your SI urges? (you don't have to answer if you don't want to.)

Whether you did or not I hope this before post will be useful for you. One of the things you said was that you didn't remember how you felt the times you had resisted the urge. If you didn't SI you might be able to look back on this post next time you feel the need and remind yourself what you were feeling this time and how you coped. If you did SI then this post can act as a record of techniques you tried and will remind you how well they did or didn't work. That way you can work on finding the best coping strategy for you in the future. Does that make sense?

Take care
S x

thank you for your reply...

i was able to beat the initial urges, and did for about 24 hours or so, until i gave in at that point... so i guess i was able to delay at least.

that does make sense, i'll definitely save the before as a file as a reminder to think on what works/what doesn't.

thank you again, take care.