bus

After last night

Questions to Answer After A Slip

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  Mostly. I'm not sure what else to do with it. Stitches have always been out of the question.
• what had happened just before?
  I was talking to my friend Deepali and then I made some tea.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  I was thinking that I'd never really have any one to tell and that everyone had enough of their own problems so I shouldn't bother them with mine. And I was feeling a bit sick of having to be better, and a bit fed up with the emptiness I was feeling. I was feeling all carved out, like there was nothing in me except my own dread and loneliness.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  I'm not sure if this was the final straw. Nothing really happened, I just was sick of fighting, so I gave in. I wasn't thinking clearly enough to think about it. I just felt like I needed to self injure to tell myself I wasn't feeling okay, and that I should stop pretending things were okay or that people were listening.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  I think things started when I went home and found my old self and my old life waiting for me. Then they just kept escalating, and then I saw a really triggery movie. I didn't feel like SI-ing immediately after, just numb as can be, but the next day my mood was all crazy. I couldn't have chosen not to do it. It wasn't a huge climatic event. It was just one more conversation in which I felt so far away from the things I was saying. I just chose to do it. I could have chosen not to. I could have rode through the emptiness.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  I'm on my meds. Maybe just that movie. Maybe I shouldn't watch movies that trigger me. And I haven't been sleeping enough to feel okay. Just in that in-between state that's miserable, not little enough to not be tired, not enough, just in the middle.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I have been talking to people and drawing and making myself cider and stuff. They work pretty well.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  Yeah, I could have done any of the above. I could have told someone, but I felt like no one was there really, I felt really alone. And I felt so sick of doing healthy things. I knew there were coping mechanisms, but I still felt like I had to do it so it woudl be okay that I felt messed up, so that I would have proof to myself that I'm not just dandy just because I've been happy for a few months.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  See, I'm just not sure what to do. I did remember them. I was just so tired of using them.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  I guess I should talk to my friends. But I haven't really been able to since everything blew up a few years ago. The world's happier for everyone but me if I just shut up.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  Yeah, I'm here now. It just feels a bit empty and lonely.
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to resist. I'm just filling this out to figure myself out.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  I just felt like I couldn't last another second believing that I was happy, that I was fine. I needed to feel like someone could take care of me. Nobody takes care of me when I'm happy. I don't let people take care of me when I'm sad. It's like this big catch 22.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  I made it. We were supposed to be playing Cranium. I needed to make the tea, so I made the tea and got the tools, gave her the tea, SI'd in the bathroom.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  Drifted away. Been lost inside myself.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  Probably after a long time the intensity would have decreased, but the ache for it would have (it is now) increased.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  Having tools. Being able to be alone. Feeling like nothing in life was real or close enough to revive me.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Like I just had to keep acting and acting. Even to myself. And then just empty because I can't act anymore, so I just leave a puppet behind and I go away.

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
I tell myself to wait. If I feel the same the next day, I'll let myself SI. Usually something changes so I don't need it immediately. But right now it seems the desire has built up.

• Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
  yeah
• If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
  Being sick of being okay, feeling empty, feeling alone. I knew I was feeling them at the time. They've been my problem feelings lately. I felt so selfish. I am. I knew it by being self-aware.
• What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
  I drew, I talked to people about random crap, I made myself wait, I posted on bus, I wrote.
• Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
  Yeah, they've been working for a long while.
• If No - What coping skills got me through?
• Why do I think they worked?
  The immediate trigger goes away. It's like you just keep on ignoring something. But then it seems to build up a bit.
• How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
  I can talk to someone. But I'm not sure how. See, I know I can be happy and not SI and all that, but then I feel like I'm not even validating my own feelings. I don't know what to do.

Well from reading that it really seems like you are trying to find yourself, which can be a good way of coping. When you can't figure yourself out sometimes (well it has for me anyway) I've SI-ed for the sheer fact I don't know who I am or was or whatever, and that feeling of being lost has led to it before.

However you tried some coping methods, which I'm happy to see helped a bit, do you think you could get a longer list of coping methods so eventually the entire urge will wear away?

Take care of yourself

Jason