Kurdt's BEFORE Thread

[kurdt_kobain]

I am creating two threads on b&a. In one, I want to keep a record of all my "before"s. In the other, I want to keep a record of all my "after"s. I am not ready to stop self-injury. I want to force myself to analyze every urge, however, in order to get a better grip on myself and my emotions. Challenging replies are usually okay, however sometimes I might curl up into a ball so I'll try to make note on that. Do not compliment me. Nothing pisses me off more than hearing good things about myself--this is a separate issue that I do not feel like dealing with at this time. I will also use this thread to keep track of my before/afters of my NON SOCIAL use of marijuana. I use that as a coping mechanism for almost the same reasons I self-injure. If I'm not actively engaging in one, I am almost guaranteed to be doing the other. Feel free to reply.

-Kurdt


ETA:

Some information that might help you with the replies.

My name is Megan and I am female.

I also date girls which makes my parents angry to no end. We do not discuss it or mention the possiblity of me being gay. When they first found out, they did not take it well at all. Now I just make sure they DON'T know who I date or where I am.

I smoke a lot, lot, lot. I have no problem with my social use of weed--I hang out with my friends and we smoke a few blunts. It happens. But I also use weed to avoid dealing with my problems. When I feel upset, I usually either SI or smoke. My parents have caught me--recently--smoking before bed. They were really upset, but I wasn't grounded or punished. They didn't say anything. I had to force them to talk to me. They're passive-agressive and don't know how to effectivly punish me. This bothers me a lot, but it also helps me a lot too--I'm not saying a word until I'm out of the house. My T does not think I have a drug problem, but I think my cannabis use has gotten a little out of hand...not addiction bad, but more than I want bad.

My little sisters are Kelly--16--and Valerie--13.



This will be edited as needed. DX

[Twinky]

Heya kurdt,

Hope you don't mind me posting!
I guess I'm wondering what you would like us to post in reply to this -if you don't want compliments?

e.g. if I said "I think this thread is a good idea" would that be the kind of compliment you don't want?

[kurdt_kobain]

Haha, I was just starting off. I'm waiting till I get a urge to start posting...and waiting till I get an "AFTER" to create an after thread. I just knew I wouldn't feel like making the preliminary post if I was really upset...so I probably wouldn't have bothered at all.

You can say that you think this is a good thread; that's fine. Stuff about how wonderful, smart, pretty, cool, righteous etc is really annoying though and it pisses me off. As long as it's prefaced with an insult or not directly about me, I'm okay. Backhanded compliments are the way to my heart.

[Twinky]

Heehee fair enough.


... gotta do it, I'm too tempted:

You're wonderful, smart, pretty, cool, righteous etc you idiot!

[kurdt_kobain]

mkay, first before. i'm going to go up to my room and smoke two bowls right after i post this. this is not a SI before; this is a weed before.

why do i want to smoke right now?

i got accepted to the college of my choice--salem college--but i only got an 8,000 dollar scholarship. i'm not sure if that's all they're giving me (and if it is i can't go) or if i'll have the chance to compete for more. but i can't stay in state, where i'd have a full ride, because it honestly wouldn't get me far enough away from my parents. my teacher/father figure/friend told me the one thing he wants from me is to get away from my parents and my therapist agrees. on monday, i'm calling up to see if i can get more in their scholarship weekend. but right now, i'm depressed and crying and i feel like shit. i want to forget about it until monday.


how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i will be happy. i will feel content and i will close my eyes and listen to music and feel so damn good that nothing that's happened today will matter.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will bring solace. it won't feel as bad and i'll get to sleep easier. i won't feel so defeated. i'll be calm and content and i'll be able to get away from this shit for a while. it will take away, well, i'm risking my parents catching me for the second time which will probably be really bad. it also is becoming a nightly ritual again which is not a good thing. i should not need weed to get through my problems and my need to smoke every time i feel like shit is not healthy.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i don't want to feel about this. that's the problem. i don't want to feel anything about it. i want to sleep it away. i want to never wake up, never deal with it. i want real life to be an illusion and never have to exist there anymore. and smoking will get me much, much closer to feeling that way...for a while. and i think when i come down, i'll feel better about NOT feeling that way. it won't feel like the end of the world anymore. i'll think about it and have new perspective.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

it'll get me through the night without feeling this way and honestly, that's all i care about right now. after it goes away, it'll probably be monday--i'm planning to get some more weed and spend tomorrow stoned--and i'll find out if i can compete for a higher scholarship then and i'll know what to do about salem.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i could go to sleep, but i doubt i'd be able to fall asleep without weed. it would get me through it until tomorrow, but i know i'd just smoke tomorrow. *sigh* i don't know what else to do. i don't have any other option, or at least it feels like i don't. i don't want to feel this way right now. it's not severe depression; i could get through that. it's that melancholy that's not going to go away.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

tomorrow, i'll just smoke some more. if i made it through tonight, i won't really care. if i don't, i won't really care.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i really want to smoke. that's my self-protective instinct. i can't deal with this shit right now. i'm so depressed.

[kurdt_kobain]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

My little sister came home from blockbuster to get a movie. They called because the movie was "R" and Mom said she couldn't get it. My little sister is sixteen. The movie had "language and nudity." Kelly was screaming and, when Mom ignored her, she ran upstairs crying. I came over and said that Kelly should be able to get the movie--she's not twelve; she's sixteen. She's old enough to see that stuff. Mom and Dad didn't even acknowledge I said anything. They stared blankly ahead watching tv while I stood there trying to talk to them. I feel ignored and invalidated, like what I said doesn't even warrent a response. I hate when my parents attempt to be parents--I stay out all night smoking pot and they just tell me I'm 'irresponcible' and 'not to do it again' (and I'm NOT punished at all) but they refuse to allow us to see R rated movies. They randomly exert their control and this is difficult because they do it erratically with no justification.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Shit like this happens all the time--my parents ignoring me when I'm upset and trying to talk, refusing to respond to anything I say, telling me I "don't know what it means to have problems" etc. I usually deal with it by SIing. I think it lets me (a) express my fusturation and (b) regain some sense of control over my body.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I'm answering these questions. I'm working on my Drivers Ed.

How do I feel right now?

Tense, pissed off. I hate being treated like I'm three years old when I'm [almost] eighteen and can be dealt with rationally. I hate them creating rules that should have existed when we were little kids because they believe that saying no when they have the chance is the only time they get to exert their authority. I think I misbehave BECAUSE I want them to deal with me with some sense of justice. I want to be grounded. I want to get into trouble. I want them to sit me down, tell me what I did was wrong and give me a punishment. I want to discuss it. I want them to be fucking parents instead of trying to--as I leave the house--tell me to be home at 8:00 PM and not noticing (or caring) when I come in at 4.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Satisfied. I'll feel like I regained "control" somehow. I'll feel like I asserted my "boundries" and I'll feel more validated.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

I'll be pissed because I'll have to get out my butterfly strips and stop the bleeding and those are expensive and I'm broke since I lost my wallet. I'll probably get blood on my clothes and bedsheets and I'll have to wash them. And I'll have to deal with the band-aids and cuts which I really don't want to deal with. I want clean arms for the summer.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Naw. My family is not abusive or anything, but we're really, really invalidating. I'm not lying--I hate people who throw around the word "abuse" and it really, really pisses me of when it's applied to things my parents have said to me. They're fusturated and just doing the best job they know how. Unfortuanatly, that job isn't so good... They're constantly just being bastards and it happens a lot. They don't realize how hurtful their words and actions are (like turning up the volume of the tv when I'm trying to talk) and so it's impossible to ignore. And trust me, I've tried talking to them. They ignore me or get up and walk away. Or, if we're in a car, turn up the radio. Or go on about how shitty I am and how I fucked up the family. It's not worth it.

But I'm dealing with it pretty well right now.

Do I need to hurt myself?
Naw. I just want to.