write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i'll punish myself for being stupid and not strong enough, it'll let some of the anger out and i'll feel calmer, the tears might stop too - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
calm, peace and control. it'll take away the moral high ground that i have that says i'm fit for this job - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i just want to be employed - realistically it'll get me further from it, but it'll get me closer to feeling better today - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i don't care how long it lasts, as long as it helps - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
call my line manger, go to the gym, talk to my housemates - calling my line manager might change the situation, but unfortunately i don't thin anything is really going to make a difference either way - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
guilty - o promised geep i wouldn't SI, if i call i'll at least not have to worry about doing it anmore, but i'm so so scared to - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to turn up at the OH department and smac the useless secretary in the face, i want to tell her how close to disintegrating i am and that i wish she'd get off her lazy arse and actually spea to the consultant
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
9 weeks of waiting for a job and an OH chec to clear and i'm still being fobbed off and screwed around - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
it's getting progressively worse so no, but usually SI - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
cried - LOTS, i could go to the gyum but i don't want to cry there, posting here, online games and distractions - How do I feel right now?
frustrated, angry, hurt, lost, confused and scared - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
calm and clear - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
guilty - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
no - Do I need to hurt myself?
i'm slightly calmer, nad i know i can't becasue i promised geep and i need to prove i'm ok, but i wish i could
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.
7.12.08 Carmen 
SHACA