bus

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I know this board is mainly for SI urges, but I really have an urge to purge right now. I just ate a small meal - something from a local middle eastern restaurant in the area. Since I'm trying to be healthy overall - I though I'd try rationalizing why I need to purge. I was going to go through and change all of the hurt myself to purge - but it's not worth the effort - in a way it's the same thing.

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? The situation was triggered by a friend talking about someone from church who has an ED. I don't know this person well, but the way that AS was talking about the person, I felt very small. I felt as though I could not tell her about my ED if I ever wanted to. After church we went to a resteraunt - and I didn't want to eat, but AS made a comment about me not eating. She said, "What are you anorexic too?" Of course, I didn't want her to know that - so I ate. But I hated every bite I took. If I purge, I will get the food I just ate out of my body. It would get rid of what is causing these feelings.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring closure in a sense - I brought on panic, anxiety, self-hatred by eating and the only real way to rid myself of those emotions is to purge the food. It won't solve the overall situation of AS but it will bring help for the day.
  
  It will take away my streak of 2 days without purging.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to feel able to eat - able to control my life - without this horrible method of purging. I want to be able to talk to AS and tell her how horrible her comments made me feel. Purging is likely to take me farther away from that. It's basically the opposite of what I need to do.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  It will bring relief for the day or until I next have to eat. Then I will intentionally not eat, which will help me to continue to feel in control and on top of things.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I could stay on BUS, do grad school, talk to a friend from home. It won't change my emotional state but will put space in between eating - which will make it harder to purge.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I'll feel like a loser - I'll feel stupid, out of control. If I call a friend, I'll have reminders of our conversations. If I do grad school - I'll feel on top of things.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I really want to purge. But I'm not going to - I'm going to take a nap. That will let me escape without doing something to hurt myself.