bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Ill fel ok for a bit


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to stop feeling so panicky. yes, usually does

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
for a few hours, maybe the rest of today. by then one of my friends will be online so ill be distracted by wanting to again

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i really dont know. i guess i could cook, if we had something to cook.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
disappointed in myself as always. if i could do that, im sure the feeling to cut would still come back quickly

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
cut, alot.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i feel like im a horrible person.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, i cut.


How do I feel right now?
panicky

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relief, numb

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
disappointed

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i dont really know. i dont deal with anything well.

Do I need to hurt myself?
maybe not need, but i badly want to

It sounds like you are really having a lot of trouble with that panicky feeling...like it is overwhelming for you. And it sounds like you are caught between the "don't want to cut, I will feel guilty later if I do" and "want to cut cause I want to feel better right now."

I doubt there is anything that will make you feel better as fast as SI will, but there are other things that can help...they just take a bit more time. It sounds like cooking can distract you...what else do you enjoy doing? What keeps your attention? What things make you smile? (Everybody has something they are interested in, even if depression is keeping you from actually enjoying it...for some, it might be pets, or cute shoes, or planning a dream vacation...find what works best for you.) I sometimes use a good book...it helps sometimes to stop being "me" for a while and go live someone else's life for a little while, like an escape.

A couple other things, but they aren't likely to be useful as quickly...
1) Remember that panicky feelings don't have to be acted on. Whether you do anything or not, the feelings will eventually get less intense and go away. So it may help to practice learning to tolerate them...easy to say and hard to do, but it has been the most useful thing I have found overall in stopping SI. Feelings, while sometimes very unpleasant, are not dangerous and cannot hurt me unless I choose to act on them. So maybe trying the 15 minute game could help you work on this, and even if you don't ultimately avoid SI, the time you spend sitting with the feelings without acting on them may help take some of the power away from them and make them less threatening.
2) Be careful what you are saying to yourself. I know self talk isn't the answer to everything, and probably by the time you are feeling panicky, it may not fix it. But in general, be careful about being too hard on yourself or telling yourself that the problems are bigger than they really are, cause it will add to the anxiety. Yes, some things are important. But most of the time they aren't as big a deal as we expect them to be right in that moment...and it can help to remind yourself of that when you start feeling overwhelmed.

I hope some of this helped...no idea how long ago you wrote your post, so even if it didn't help this time, hopefully it will make things easier next time you are feeling like this.

thanks it helped