bus

Posted: **Fri Nov 23, 2007 10:59 am**

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Feeling uneasy. Not sure why, though I can think of some things.

Had to quit a mood-stabilizing med cold turkey five days ago.

Have planned to meet up for coffee today with some people I only know from online. Just a small handful of mostly middle-aged women, nothing scary. Is just that I don't really want to make new friends. I don't think I take proper care of the friends I already have. I don't feel lonely. It seemed like a fun thing the other day when plan was made, now I don't see the point. Don't want to not show up though.

Got an appointment in the mail for a mammogram (my first). Yeah, I know they see naked chests of all shapes all the time, just don't like the idea of them looking at my naked chest and scars and all.

Christmas. Is. Coming. Though I already made the best possible plans. Christmas. Is. Coming.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Of course not exactly in this combination of circumstances, but as far as wanting to SI to relieve a general feeling of tension, yeah.
Mostly I have tried to hang on, waiting it out, distractions. Sometimes given in and SI'ed.
The feelings pass sooner or later and circumstances change.
Not hurting myself can sometimes make me feel like a good girl. But also angry.
Hurting myself can give some immediate relief, then make me feel guilty.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I have just gone about my stuff as usual this morning. Pretending everything is normal.

Somehow the only thing that seems ok right now is to keep going through the motions, stick to my plans for the day. Will have a hot and cold shower, listen to music on the train ride, walk for a bit to calm my body down.
How do I feel right now?

Uncomfortable in my own skin. Restless inside. And at the same time my body is heavy like lead. Like I could cry at any moment. And angry.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Focused. Numb. Outside of myself.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

The relief of nothingness.
Very guilty.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Some things are just life, not much there to avoid.
Hopefully I will at some point in time be able to settle on my medication and not have to make these crazy changes all the time. Hopefully. I am staying in touch with my pdoc.
Do I need to hurt myself?

No. I want to and I'm angry at the world that I can't. But I know I can survive without it.

Posted: **Sat Nov 24, 2007 2:21 am**

It sounds like you have a pretty good plan for handling things and know how to help yourself.
But I SO understand being angry that you can't just SI to solve the problems and make it all go away, even when you know it isn't what you really want long term.

In reading this, I did wonder if some of the feelings do need a safe way to come out? Cause I could see angry, afraid, tired, and confused...(guessing of course).
Is there a place for those feelings to go that is safe? (thinking of journalling or drawing or complaining to a friend or giving yourself time and permission to cry or screaming into a pillow or...can't think of any more right now.)

I hope the afternoon goes better than you expect and that it helps distract you a bit and maybe bring some other feelings in to make the uncomfortable ones less intense.

Posted: **Sat Nov 24, 2007 9:49 am**

NTY, thank you for responding!

In the afternoon yesterday, I was perfectly fine again, had a pretty good time with those people and enjoyed being out of the house. Now it's the following morning and I'm back in the same spot, tense, tired, urgy. Guess it's my usual cycle of bad mornings, that's how it tends to be when I'm on the low side of things (unless I'm so low that it's all crap).

NobodyToYou wrote:In reading this, I did wonder if some of the feelings do need a safe way to come out? Cause I could see angry, afraid, tired, and confused...(guessing of course).

I have people to talk to, my partner, my friends, my therapist, and there's always bus. And I do talk, I'm just... finding it hard to be the one who complains all the time (or that's what it feels like). Especially when it's stuff other people can't do much about.

In some way it gets harder every time I experience firsthand a change in mood from starting/changing/stopping meds that sort of underline that there may also be some biological factors involved, that maybe it's not only a matter of me being a drama queen who does stupid things for attention (that's what I have been telling myself). I was well into my 30's before I got any formal help and it's been pretty confusing, and although I have been taking meds etc. it's really only dawning on me now that maybe it's not going to be enough to learn a few coping tricks, that I can't talk myself out of this or "just get a grip".

I guess it makes me feel out of control. And that's one thing I get from SI, a feeling of deciding what happens to my body and that I have the power to do stuff even when other people don't want me to do it.

Have to look at it some more. I'm off to the gym now, seems like the best thing to do right now. Don't want to go but I don't want to do anything anyway, so I might as well go.

Posted: **Sat Nov 24, 2007 5:33 pm**

Stellaria wrote:I guess it makes me feel out of control. And that's one thing I get from SI, a feeling of deciding what happens to my body and that I have the power to do stuff even when other people don't want me to do it.

I get stuck on this point a lot.

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Right now I'm also obsessing about methods and feeling angry about people "forcing" me to stay alive. Or just want to take loads of pills in a russian roulette type of action.

Nothing will actually happen, I'm not that far gone. And I have several people I could contact if things really were that bad. It's just tiring... to have to deal with these thoughts over and over.

I feel like such a freak.

Going to drink my tea and play a game that stops me from thinking for a few hours.

bus

Before (just a crawling sensation)

Before (just a crawling sensation)