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Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I had a shitacular day. The situation won't change. Actually, it will change and hopefulyl for the better (knock on wood) but this is me we're talking about which means bullshit. Because it is the one constant through my life.
  
  How would the feeling change. Hmm. I'll forget for a while. Maybe.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  It won't bring anything to it. Nor will it take away anything except for some SI-free time.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to not care? I want it to be over with? I want to not hate this quite as much and to ask people to stop with the wtfuckery and actually, oh, I don't know, NOT SPRING SURPRISES ON ME?
  
  All I know is that right now it'll stop me from feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. It'd be one more scar, but I already have many.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  It will last long enough for me to stop feeling so amped by anxiety and go to bed. I'll be sleeping and then it will be tomorrow morning and I'll be too busy getting ready for work to do anything about SI urges.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  Um. I don't know. I'm distracting myself the best way I know how (TMN, answering these questions, reading fanfic) And counting the minutes (10) before I have to go to bed. So I can keep doing what I'm doing now and then just hop into bed.
  
  It's not gonig to change the situation. Hopefully it won't BE THERE tomorrow (the situation).
  
  Tomorrow if I don't SI tonight I'll probably have forgotten about it, tbh.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will probably be annoyed, but then again, I usually am. Other than that I will not care.
  
  If I don't SI and I keep doing what I'm doing now, I'll be a bit pleased that I didn't SI.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to SI. But at the same time I want to go to bed. I think the only thing I can really think of that wouldn't be injurious to self is to grab iPod, listen to more TMN in bed, take Smoke, scritch him, and sleep.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I fucked up and I fucked up BAAAAAAAAAAD. And everyone keeps telling me I did NOT fuck up and this is not my shit but. I still feel responsible. And I freaked out accordingly.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  No.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I foodinated, called people, pet Smoke, watched TV, listened to TMN. And tried to forget.
  
  Beer helped, too.
  
  Sleep will help me, and that won't hurt me.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  I am angry, exhausted, worried, and tired of fucking up.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I don't usually feel or think when I am hurting myself.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  I will feel good. I would most likely sleep. Tomorrow I would just clean the wound, rebandage it and get on with my day.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  I'll have to learn how to deal with it better in the future. Heh. How, I don't know.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't know if I need to but I sure as fuck WANT TO.