bus

size=18]Before You Self-Harm[/size]
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  My situation won't change. Feeling might change... It'll be a bit of a relief, something to distract myself, and perhaps to feel somewhat alive.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  Bring in a sense of relief (very short lasting). It'll take away all that I've worked for (two slips is ENOUGH). It'll bring in more control and more shame/disgust.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  Hurting myself won't change my situation or solve anything, but it won't push me farther from anything either...I don't think so anyway...
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  Oh... It's not the best option, but I want it. The relief will last halfway though the SI, and about five to ten minutes afterwards. After that, I will feel disgusted, ashamed, angry, and urgy AGAIN. I don't know what I'd do then, other than post an 'After'
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could keep trying to distract myself on BUS (so many lovely distractions), I could try reading, I could make some soup in an hour or so, I could think about volunteering tomorrow and hanging out with my best friend on Thursday to cheer me up. This might change my situation, I might not feel so alone if I focus on my friend, I might not feel so helpless if I think about the shelter, and I might try to create some ways to cope as a form of distraction. I don't know how long this will last, hopefully for three hours or so (then I get ready for school).
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will feel angry that my siggy says 'three slips' instead of two. I will probably feel a bit more in control, though.
  
  I will feel mildly proud that I managed to get through another rough night, and I'm not sure if I'll feel in control or out of control.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
  
  I dont want to feel so alone, I want this emptiness to go away, I want to stop having nightmares and I want to stop remembering Monday. I am not sure how I can honor the self-protective instinct...Just sit with the feeling and acknowledge it is an action, not a feeling, and try to remember that I can choose whether or not to perform the action or not? I dont know.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  This overwhelming sense of being... alone. Isolated and alone. Lonely. Feeling helpless and feeling as though I have no control over myself.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  Last time I SIed...
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  
  I've stayed on BUS and PMed somebody for a hug... This makes me feel needy, but meh... I want to make some soup.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  Horrible, but glad that I can write this all out. This is control, right?
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  I feel like I have complete control over myself, I can suppress almost every emotion by harming myself. I suppose adhreniline (wow...can't spell) kicks in quite soon, because soon I can't seem to register it, so I SI deeper. The more blood, the better. I end up turning the bathwater a dark brownishy-orange from it, and the floor is quite red when I'm done. I love it, it's only about ten or so minutes after when I start to feel disgusted and ashamed.
  
  
  I feel in control.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  
  Ashamed, disgusted, in control.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  
  How can I avoid this?!?!
  
  I don't know how to deal with this, other than SIing, or trying desperately to distract myself.
• Do I need to hurt myself?
  
  No matter how hard I want to say yes, I know that the answer is 'no.' I can make it, I just need to distract myself..