bus

My first time on B&A, I hope I don't mess it up or anything

Questions to Answer After A Slip

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
  
  Yes... Actually, it was last night/early morning, but the power was out
• what had happened just before?
  
  JUST before? The power went out.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  
  Feeling worthless, stupid, disgusted at myself for wanting to SI, angry, feeling..guilty because I ruined my brother's birthday, I ruin everything for him.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  
  I probably wouldn't have SIed if my dad hadn't hurt me and my mum making jokes about it.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  
  It was my brother's birthday and I always feel like... like I could make life better for him, last christmas he was in tears because I got a laptop and he got a rather crummy present, I wish that I was better to him. So I felt guilty that I went out with my friend to distract myself from urges... My dad picked me up at the bus stop very angry, and when we got home, we got into a bit of an arguement, and he ended up a bit.. rough. My mum didn't do ANYTHING. No, wait, she did make jokes about it. Then we saw family, and it's the same old thing ("you'll never get anywhere in life; eww you looked way prettier as a blond; go away, I don't care where, go sit in the other room or something..."). When I got home, the power was out, I couldn't go on BUS. So I slipped.
  
  But the final straw was my dad. I knew I was going to SI as soon as he did that, it took me a while to have an opportunity where I could clean it properly.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  
  Maybe lack of sleep, I can't seem to get any sleep these days, but no I don't think so.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  
  I went to go on BUS, but the power was out. I read for a bit, but it didn't work. My mum wouldn't let me make any tea or hot chocolate, and I couldn't cope.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  
  If the power wasn't off, I would go on BUS, maybe go to the Nest, post on B&A as a Before post instead of this After one, I would've listened to the radio, watched DVDs... I wish I was allowed to make tea/hot chocolate, I probably would've been better...
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  
  Next time, I'll make tea/hot chocolate anyways, I'll snuggle with my dog, or play my guitar.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  
  Not really... How do I control myself due to my dad? I somehow hurt myself because I was hurt, and I think I need to work on comforting myself instead of hurting myself more. Is that what the question asked?
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  
  I don't think the power going out on my brother's birthday with an angry dad will happen in a while... I don't think I really know how to answer this question? Oh dear..
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will try to go to a friend's house, or if not call a friend. I'll watch DVDs on my computer (I'll try to keep it fully charged 24/7), I'll read/play guitar/play violin, and snuggle with my dog. Maybe I'll hang out with my brother.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  
  I was allowed to have a bath (to clean up), everybody was going to bed early, I wasn't able to talk to anybody to feel like I existed, or mattered.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  
  It was there for the taking.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  
  Well... Although I had resolved to SI a bit before I actually SIed due to the fact there was no opportunity... I probably wouldn't have SIed, but while I was waiting for an opportunity I started to pull out my hair and pick at my skin, I guess I would've done that all night.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  
  Increased for a bit, but gradually decreased, I'm sure.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  
  I actually need new tools... But Uhmm, not neccessarily being alone, but when everybody in the house is ignoring me and I'm "having a bath"
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Useless, weak, helpless, and a lot of SU thoughts.


I hope I did that right..