Before

[strmdncr]

[*]how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel less urge to si for a while, less intense anger feelings. The situation itself will not change by si'ing, using my wise mind and listening to it is what would be required to do that.

[*]what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will take away some of the overall anger that is coming out in ways that I am not comfortable with currently. It will bring a short term feeling of relief b/c it is a way to "punish" the anger but the longer term will bring about feelings of shame and guilt for having given in.

[*]how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel in control of the situation, like I have some say as to what happens with things and like I am valued and cared about. Si'ing will probably get me further from feeling that way in the long run b/c I am trying to make six months si free as my long term goal currently and if I si now then I will feel like I am in less control over things.

[*]if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It will last for a couple of days until I have a chance to talk with my T b/c it appears that with the office renovations his place was undergoing he is unable to access his work email. When the relief starts to disappate I will call my T if the weekend is past which from past experiences with amount of relief time I get from si it should be.

[*]what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could do cleaning. I could work on trying to finish sewing the dang shirt if the thread stops breaking. I could try guided relaxation. Posting here. Being around people. Exercise. Cold water on face.

[*]how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I si...shameful, guilty, angry at self, less in control. If I do other things...not sure.

[*]what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to tell my sister how I feel about things. I want to be acknowledged some places without having to feel like some kind of attention seeking manipulative bitch. I can honour this instinct by recognizing that these feelings and emotions are valid but that they come from my emotional mind, not my wise mind.

[*]Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
To let myself have a reason I have control over for feeling anger and feelings of worthlessness instead of having those feelings come from external events/persons/circumstances. What has brought me to this point is cancellation of appointment by T and feeling that rebooking for particular day was more stress than it was worth b/c of circumstances, lack of people reaching out towards me to see how I am doing and not knowing how to deal with feelings of anger towards particular family members.

[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes. Tried using wise mind. Sent email to T. Eventually si'd. I felt a bit better then at the same time as feeling an increase in self directed anger and feelings of shame and guilt.

[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Cuddled with children. Read. Wrote a poem. Talked to friends online. Gone to work. Gone to karate class. Slept. Ate chocolate. Sewed. What else can I do...cold water on face. colour. write letters to people that i'm not going to send. find a place where people are so that opportunity is decreased.

[*]How do I feel right now?
angry, hurt, worthless, ignored, invisible, kind of down, stressed, manipulated and manipulative

[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
numb

[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Immediately after I will feel better b/c I will have been in control of where the feelings are coming from. Tomorrow I will feeling self directed anger instead of externally directed anger, shame, guilt, disappointment

[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can't avoid it. I keep on hoping to learn to deal with it better in the future, part of the reason why I was disappointed in the whole thing with session with T not happening and stuff surrounding it...b/c we are supposed to be working on exposure so that I can learn to feel the emotions without trying to get rid of them...recognize them as simply being part of me.

[*]Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't know...if it is about need then probably not b/c this is not about a choice between this and su or something equally drastic which it has felt like before. I feel like I want to though.