before
Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 11:48 pm
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i don't know. i just felt anxious, and kind of "hollow" or something and then i got an intense urge. earlier i was feeling like i wanted to go out and do something active, see something new, go for a walk, just didn't feel like being in but everytime i tried to imagine doing something, i had doubts or "buts" about it:
"i could walk on the bluff" - "but i don't want to walk that much/far:
"i feel like getting myself something special" - "but i shouldn't spend any money right now. plus the store is far.
i tried to call a friend, but it wasn't what i needed and i just ended up sort of listening to her instead of doing something for me, which is what a part of me felt like i was needing. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes i have been here before. sometimes i have just made myself go out, despite all my discomfort and reasons not to. i have taken something to distract myself, like the camera to take pictures of things that strike me. i feel afraid today, though, afraid to go out in the world. i feel vulneralbe and my son and i are finally getting along a little better and i'm afraid of changing that. its like i'm afraid to breathe lest i "stir the air." so i stayed home and am cleaning but a part of me feels super sad and neglected. i wanted to do something nice for me today because i've been through so
much stress and sadness lately. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
well i thought of ideas, called that friend. got busy with something constructive (the cleaning) but a part of me is still unhappy inside. i could spend some time listening to that part of myself that is unhappy and maybe take a risk to get out even though i am afraid to. - How do I feel right now?
really down, sad, grieving, exhausted - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i will feel relief from the feelings plaguing me. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
like shit. ashamed. angry at myself. disappointed. frustrated. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
well maybe when i feel like this, it is better to "push" myself out the door, because its been a couple hours and i still feel like shit, even though i'm busy doing constructive things because i need to nurture myself a little. i've been through a lot lately. - Do I need to hurt myself?
no.
i am going to take the next bus up to the shopping center, get some batteries for the camera and make myself go for that walk. even though i don't think it'll make anything better, and i'll just feel worse. i try it and see at least if it helps. it's better to try something than get "stuck."
