bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  it will make me feel something. it will be a good punishment for being me. it will make me last until tomorrow.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  pain, blood, tears, release.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  part of me wants to be ok so no this won't lead to that. most of me just wants everything to cease to be, me especially.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  i can't say how long it will last. could be a day, could be a week, could be a month. when the relief ends i will just repeat the pattern most likely or od.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  hide from the world. but i can't really do that. od, but i shouldn't really do that. other than that i don't know
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  if i hurt myself i will feel sore, guilty and anxious. if i do either of the other two i will either get into trouble for hiding or be dead/very ill if i od.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

od and pray i never wake up tomorrow.

but i can't do that so i have to force myself to last out the night and the day at work tomorrow.

Are there any nice things you can do for yourself? My experience is that at first doing nice things for oneself seems foreign and kind of fake, but over time it starts to feel more natural. What can you do to be kind to Kim?