bus

Replies/comments/challenges/hugs/any interaction would be awesome, thanks.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It won't. Or rather, it'll be worse, because on top of scared and alone and paralysed, I'll be feeling angry and guilty.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring a momentary calm and clarity. But it will take away my control (paradoxical as that sounds) and it will take away the feeling I have that I can trust myself.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel strong and capable and constructive (not destructive), and hurting myself is obviously going to make things worse, not better.
I don't feel like writing here is helping me, because it's not as if I think that injuring is the most logical, healthy thing to do. I KNOW it's not. But I feel like my logic is broken right now.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
Realistically? It'd probably last overnight at the most, and then I'd find myself regretting it, if for no reasons besides (a)giving in after so much time clean and (B)having to explain fucking cuts to people.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could write, I could call any of several people, I could go for a drive, work out, do yoga, take a hot shower, or I could just cry. Any of these things would give me a more satisfying release than SI would, without the emotional hangover afterwards. So why do I persist in craving SI instead?

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Huh, that's a good question. I haven't really done anything, since there's a part of me that views my immediate emotional situation as inevitable and inescapable. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it would definitely be more productive to do something to work towards fixing the situation that has me feeling this desperate (career stuff) than it would be to SI.
See previous question WRT coping strategies.

How do I feel right now?
Scared. Stuck. Lonely. Frustrated. Ashamed. Embarassed. Helpless. Discouraged. Dejected. Overwhelmed.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Guilty. Dirty. Ashamed. Failure. Embarassment.
And part of me is tempted to say "relieved", as well, but if I do feel relieved, it's only going to be for a few minutes.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Unfortunately, the ultimate stressor isn't something I can just avoid.
There are other stressors I can avoid (e.g. reading certain threads on BUS, giving up sleep, isolating, not journaling/taking care of myself) and there's better ways I can deal with career-related stress than with SI.

Do I need to hurt myself?
I feel like, at this point, I'm condescending to myself when I answer this particular question. I never "need" to hurt myself, especially since I've gone so long without. Just that sometimes it seems like the easiest route to take.

I'm going to answer the "after" questions as well, even though I haven't injured at all. I do feel like I'm at "last straw" stage, though.

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
N/A

what had happened just before?
what were you thinking and feeling?
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I've been feeling down on myself because I can't seem to motivate myself to do the work I need to do (career-related). I feel discouraged, like I don't see the point if all I'm going to do is fail anyway (which obviously isn't necessarily the case). I feel frustrated by not getting as much out of my efforts as I'm putting in.
Plus I'm hardcore missing a couple of my favourite people. Hardcore. Living in different cities from the people I love sucks.
And I'm saddened by the shorter days of autumn; it means that winter is coming, and I hate winter.
Also, having gone so long without SI is kind of heady and intimidating on its own, when I'm feeling this urgy. I removed my 'clean' date from my signature for that reason; I can't bear to think about it or see it every time I post, and I feel like it puts more pressure on me to not fail/give in.
And I'd really like to call a certain one of my friends and talk about it but I don't feel that I should, because she's done so much for me lately.

It feels like a lot, but when I spell it out like that, it seems like I can handle it. The world isn't awful and I don't suck, but these things are hard right now.

were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future?
I need to isolate less and sleep on a more normal schedule. Those two things would help immensely.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
It DID help me to text one of my loved ones and ask for reassurance. And listening to sad music and crying helped the urge a bit. Rereading reassuring emails from loved ones (that I can call if I need to, even though it's late at night; that I really can be proud of going so long without SI; that I am strong and loved, etc) has helped too.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I wish I would have gone to the gym tonight. For real.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
It is hugely helpful to have my huge list of anti-SI reasons right in my place (and also saved on my hard drive) so that i can refer to them when/if things get this dire again. Also, I have saved emails from loved ones that remind me that it's okay to call on them whenever I need to. These reminders all help.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
It's not resolved, and I honestly don't know what the solution is. Because if part of my problem is motivating myself to do work... and doing work is what I obviously need to do in order to feel better/effective... it's like a catch-22, you know?

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Oh yes. I can recognize it by my physical reaction (it feels like the beginning of an anxiety attack) and by my racing, hopeless thoughts that feel like they're immune to all the tricks and tactics that I learned in therapy.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will try to take better care of myself in order to head off urginess before it starts.
I will remember that it's OK to call my loved ones-- that's what they're there for!
I will find physical ways of dealing with physical urges.


What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
I don't really think about "opportunities"; if I <s>needed</s> wanted to, I could create an opportunity to SI anytime, anywhere.

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.


<b>Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?</b>
Yeah, this one took me a while. Fear, hopelessness, helplessness, anger, frustration, loneliness, overwhelmed-ness.

<b>What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?</b>
I emailed and called friends. I did yoga. I wrote. I came on BUS.

<b>Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?</b>
I think so.

<b>Why do I think they worked?</b>
They worked for different reasons. Yoga helped me get out of my head and into my body. It served the same function that SI does in that regard. Talking to my friends not only helped me get out of my head, but it helped me process exactly what was going on. Same with writing and going on BUS.

<b>How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?</b>
I think it would be helpful to journal more regularly, in order to process things before they come to that kind of a head. Also, I need to remember that exercise almost always helps me (even though it's often the last thing I'd rather do, when I'm feeling like curling up in a ball and dying). And, the stuff I wrote before, about isolating less/staying busy, and not sleeping all day.