Before...dont want to but cant resist...
Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:48 am
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
The situation will still be there, but i will feel in control and validated - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
Bring to it: Relief, reduction of stress, calming of mind, security, warmth, comfort, feel real,
Take away from it: take away the achievement of not cutting for months - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel human, in the long run cutting will reduce my ability to feel human - however in the short term it will bring my humanity into sharp focus and will reassure me that i am real. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The feeling will last probably about a day or two, then i will crash. Then i will do it again, it will take a lot of will power to get out of that cycle again and i know i dont have that will power now. I know it will take me more will power to stop once i have started again than it will in not starting, - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I am at work, so i am not going to do anythign for at least the next 5 hours, but when i get home it will be hard. i am very tired and my ability to resist is much weakened. I could water the garden, watch a film, unpack from the holiday, phone a friend. That might get me through the night. But the need to cut is getting stronger and my will power is decreasing. Plus the thing that was stopping me before (holiday with my mum) has gone, and as its autumn i can wear long sleeves without drawing attention to myself. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If i cut: tomorrow i will feel like i'm me again, but sad that i had to cut to get there.
If i dont cut: tomorrow i will have to fight it all over again and its just so tiring to be fighting all the time. I want to give in so that i can have a rest from the fighting. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Miffy
i'm sorry you're feeling so bad roght now. those are some good things to try when you get home, is there someone who could come and be with you if being on your own makes it harder to resist the urges. I know it can be really hard to feel lie you're constantly fighting, but the longer you hold out the easier it gets, and then you won't have to fight again.