Before:
Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
It would not change the situation, but might help me feel... blanker, I guess. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It would bring blankness and calm. It would bring disappointment in myself.
It would take away the urge to hurt myself. It would take away some of my self-respect. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I would like to not feel hopeless, inadequate, and self-destructive. Hurting myself is likely to get me farther from that in the long run. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief would not last too long, probably. And then I would cry and destroy things.. like paper, probably, I like to destroy paper. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could pack. That would probably last me a while.
I could go to bed. But I'd probably get up again, because I'm not tired and thinking too much would lead me to more negative thoughts right now.
I could stay at the computer. - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Tomorrow, I would feel stupid and hopeless if I hurt myself tonight. Otherwise, I will probably feel better by tomorrow anyways, because I've not been in a depressive state for long periods of time lately. - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to look up the SU-sites and figure out how to do it right, because I will never achieve all that I want to and I will be forgotten and unimportant in the course of the world so there is no point in me staying alive.
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.
More Before Questions To Answer
- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I want to hurt myself in lieu of thinking about suicide, because I know that thought path doesn't lead anywhere good. I was just thinking tonight a few things:
1) I will never be good enough for myself. I have insatiable desire for greatness and perfection.
2) In the relative scale of things, I will be forgotten quickly either way... so it doesn't really matter if I die now or later. The simple things like eating and sleeping seem too much of a bother to keep living.
3) I am moving away in a little more than a week for college. This means I should be somewhat independent, even if still accepting money from my parents for my tuition and such. I am not good at taking care of myself. I am not good at living. - Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, I have been here. I collapsed, almost... I wouldn't call what I did "dealing with it." I talked to my T (whom I just left therapy with) and my pDoc (whom I just left, also) and started taking a nutritional supplement and felt worlds better. There is more of said supplement in the mail to me right now, but I kindof ran out of the pill and am too lazy to take the powder form of it that I still have left... so yes, these thoughts and overwhelmed feelings will probably subside a couple days into taking that again. - What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have come here. I have not indulged the thoughts in their su-planning. I have told myself it will get better soon and these thoughts are irrational. They are part of the evil depression that is trying to eat me, but I will be better than those mean, destructive thoughts and I will live. I have not allowed myself to think too much about this. - How do I feel right now?
A little better than when I started this survey. Not great, but really not too bad... more kindof stuck and slow... like I'm being slightly smothered in something invisible. - How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I would feel un-stuck, more neutral and alive. - How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I would feel badly later, because I don't want to SI anymore. I'm tired of hiding things from the world. I'm tired of being ashamed. I'm tired of my self-destruction. - Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Maybe, I guess... I should order more supplement stuff before I run out. - Do I need to hurt myself?
No. I feel the urge to, but I do not need to and do not want to, so I will not.
