before
Posted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 4:47 pm
- how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel better. i can't cope with the computer playing up cos it means i get frustrated waiting for web pages to load, and bus, online games, computer played mp3s etc are major things i use to cope. - what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will get rid of the frustration, and it won't be as frustrating in the next few hrs cos i won't need the computer as much.
i will stop myself being sad. i'm scared of what will happen if i let the sadness catch up to me. i feel fragile and i don't like that.
si-ing might make me feel disappointed in myself. - how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
long run, i don't know. i want to want to stop si but i don't really mind if i continue si for a long time. - if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
the relief will last maybe an hr and i probably won't feel this bad for a while. - what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i'm playing music now, random songs. i think if i switch to sad music i might get myself to cry and feel better after? it might not work, so after that i can try flicking my wrist with a rubberband, to release the *frustration* without leaving scars. (lots of scars... don't you love how your brain throws up self-destructive stuff when you are trying to choose ways to cope?) - how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel reckless tomorrow if i si. i think. i have to pay rent and i can imagine not being bothered enough and wanting to sabotage my life. i might not be able to see my t for another week or so, so i have to cope for a while by myself. if i si i will just keep using that to cope this week, and i don't want it to be something i need or something that controls me.
if i don't si, and let out some feelings out in a healthy way, i will probably still feel sad and fragile tomorrow, but hopefully it won't be as bad. and i will know i can deal with the feelings w/o falling apart. assuming i don't fall apart... - what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to si
i don't want to be a crying mess. i can see that it could be self-protection, to avoid that. i guess feelings are hard to deal with, at least mine are. and i can honour that by ? by not shoving my feelings down and ignoring them. and taking the time to look after myself when i'm vulnerable instead of denying myself any chance to express my feelings. i haven't cried for a little while, a few weeks maybe.
so i do want to avoid si. i will try anyway.
