bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It will not change the situation at all. the feeling will change in the immediate. but will still be there in the end if i hurt myself.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will bring instant relief. then it will bring crap crap crap. it will take away my control. it will take away my self respect and all the weeks of safety i have behind me.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want to look back on this as an achievement, something that i accomplished. something that makes me stronger. not another regret. not something that does the opposite.



if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

the relief usually doesnt last too long. maybe until i take enough atis to get to sleep. maybe...


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I'm trying to distract myself on bus, but there arent may people around. i saw something really disturbing on bus earlier that the mods took care of right away. it's nobodies fault. but i was trigg'd by it pretty badly. i'm sorry it's nobodies fault but mine. i'm too sensitive and stupid, it's my own fault. i'm trying to watch tv, but it's hard to concnetrate. i've emailed friends and my best buddy is out of town. so there's nobody to talk to right now, when the feelings are at their worst.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i'll never forgive myself for giving in. i'll have scars for the rest of my life over this one shitty night. i dont want that. it'll also mean that i'm not as strong and healthy as i've been thinking i was. thinking i was finally putting things togheter. how long do i have to deal with this? when when when will it end?

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

hide. underblankets, in my locked apartment, under pillows and blankets. and never come out.


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

the lump in my throat that won't go away. the anxiety. the terror. the images. the hurt. the lonlieness. the breaking heart. i thought i was getting better.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

i've been here before numerous times, from all angles. i've felt many different ways and the outcome has been so differient, depending on the circumstances.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

well, trying to talk to keli, but y messenger keeps cutting us off. watching seinfeld to keep my mind off things. holding my pillow and care bear. taking my anti-anxiety meds. trying to do some deep breathing exercises, and writing here on bus.


How do I feel right now?

scared, alone, anxious, urgy.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

able to breathe.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Sleep. then like shit. embarrassed, devastated. worse than now. more scars. don't need that shit.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

i dont know where this stress reaction is coming from. then i get hit by another huge trigger tonight that was unavoidable. i AM dealing with it better, right now.



Do I need to hurt myself?

no. i'm still drinking. but i haven't gone for my tools yet.

peace out

Hi notagain

One thing comes through loud and clear - you *didn't* want to self-injure, in spite of all the uncomfortable feelinfs you were feeling at the time, and I hope you were able to hold onto that.

But it also look liked you were going to be terribly hard on yourself if you didn't. Can you see how looking at yourself with such self-hate might have fed a desire to do *more* self-injury?

You were triggered by some stuff that was there accidentally and dealt with quickly...but was there nonetheless. You're right that it was nobody's fault - including your own. You're allowed to have whatever feelings you have about it, and in this case you were triggered. But it sounds like you tried really hard to cope with it, and that you're trying very hard not to self-injure.

It's hard work to learn new coping strategies - be gentle with yourself, okay?