[*]how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? For a while, I'll feel relaxed
[*]what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring a short lived relief from these antsy frustrated feelings. It will take away over a year and a half of SI free time and a good deal of my self respect.
[*]how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I'm sure in the long run SIing will move me further from my goals.
[*]if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? The relief ususally only last a couple of hours and then I'll feel worse about myself and soon want to SI again.
[*]what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I guess I'm doing this instead -- I don't have the motivation or energy to do anything else at the moment.
[*]how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? I'll feel like a failure and a fraud if I give in. If I don't SI, I'll feel relieved I didn't do it, but probably be fighting the same battle, just a different day.
[*]what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?[/list]
Part of me wants to give in and stop resisting the urges -- I get so tired of fighting it and wanting it at the same time. I get so tired of not even knowing why I want it. After all this time, even when nothing is particularly the matter, I still am drawn to SI'ing. I so much want that experience again and I so much don't want to blow the progress this far. I know how expensive it is in the long run. I wish the short run wasn't such a strong draw for me. I wish the behavior were consequence free, but of course it isn't, so here is me feeling urgy and frustrated and what .... I don't even know how to explain it, but it makes me angry. How can I want something so bad for me. It makes no sense. I have people who love me and depend on me -- how can I be this way. I feel like a fraud just for wanting this. What do I do to bring this on myself?
urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that. The urges sure do feel like the enemy -- of course they also feel like a seductive friend. They don't help me stay alive or sane -- quite the opposite. My friend Truce died from this. SI'ing really messes up my mind. But the promise feels so real, even though I know it's a lie.
[*]Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? Nothing speciifc -- urges have just been getting worse lately -- I'm not sure why.
[*]Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? Yes, I've been here before. Sometimes I've messed up - and I felt like a loser. Other times I've resisted, but there is always another occasion where I have to resist. The battle waxes and wanes, but never ends.
[*]What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I don't know what else to do right now other than write about how frustrated I'm feeling. I'd like to talk to my psychologist, but he's out of town for three weeks.
[*]How do I feel right now? frustrated, tired, did I mention frustrated
[*]How will I feel when I am hurting myself? great -- relaxed, focused, excited
[*]How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? calm and okay for a while -- tomorrow I'll feel like a major loser
[*]Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I don't know what the stressor is so I don't know how to avoid it.
[*]Do I need to hurt myself? [/list] I never need to hurt myself. I just want to -- isn't that just ducky! It's always hard to convince myself that it's hurting me, when it feels so good. It's like there is this war between two haves of me. One has no intention of SI'ing and knows it is a destructive, immature behavior with no redeeming virtue. This part can't even believe the other part is stupid enough to want this. The second part craves this, toys with the idea, even toys with razors but doesn't quite cut. This part promises relief from stress, agitation, frustration or whatever ails -- of course it's all a lie or a short lived promsie at best. Giving in also makes it so much harder to resist next time -- the urges get so much stronger.
I'm not going to SI. Venting has helped a bit. I guess sometimes I just need to let someone know how constant and vicious this battle is inside my head. It's like I'm at war all the time and no one even knows. I think I may copy this and take it with me to my therapist when he finally gets back in town and has an opening.
Take gentle care,
Wendy
