bus

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. I'm doing so now. They seem to want to bleed a bit so I'm keeping washcloth on them
• what had happened just before? nothing. i couldn't sleep and I got up. i was listening to music. (and no, not depressing music--backstreet boys, my happy music!)
• what were you thinking and feeling? nothing. my brain switched off. it does this. I can't seem to learn to see it coming! It's like with no warning, my brain turns itself off and I behave stupidly, doing things I would NEVER consciously want to do.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it? i don't know, i have no excuse this time. i am really really really sorry -_-
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw. i couldn't sleep. i got up. my brain was not fully conscious. i was somewhat dissociated. I am somewhat dissociated now.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? i was sleepy, and I haven't been sleeping much lately.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? um...listening to music...reading...crawling into mom and dad's room (i should have stayed there)
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? all the usual things that I would say--"talking to mom, talking to brother, getting online and asking for help on bus" all require me knowing that i was getting into one of my Moods. I did not know until the tool was in my hand.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. i will endeavour to be more vigilant in watching for dissociative states before they come on, instead of waiting for them to happen. I will try to keep myself away from tools.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? i feel so powerless. EVERY TIME, I think I'm doing everything I can, and then BOOM. DISSOCIATION. ARGH.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? i don't know but I will try! god. I got blood everywhere. My sheets are ruined. My FAVORITE PAJAMA SHIRT is ruined. T_T
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.talking to mom. asking for help on bus. meditation.

Hi jae

You don't have to apologize for anything...or feel like you need to justify yourself...reading your post, it sounded like you were a little concerned that your reasons for self-injuring in this case were going to be judged and that *you'd* be judged along with them. But feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

No one's here to judge...just to try and help you to understand why you felt the need to self-injure and to see if we can identify some things that may help you to get through the next urge.

It sounds like dissociation is a real problem for you. How that been going on for a while, or is it something new? Either way, it's obviously something that's causing you considerable distress...have you spoken to a t or doctor about? I know that might sound scary, but you don't want this to get to a point where you put yourself in danger.

Meditation is a good grounding technique...there are others, too. I can talk to you a bit more about them, if you'd like.

And if you're looking for ideas for distractions...there's a great thread about distractions in Sourcebook.

I hope you're doing okay now.