bus

After:

Questions to Answer After A Slip
slips are chances to learn. you figure out what stresses are still too hard for you and you can work on how you'll deal with them next time you run into them. so instead of beating yourself up, take action.

• have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
• what had happened just before?
  I'm living with an ex, very awful situation, and I walked in on her having sex in the bed I have to sleep in.
• what were you thinking and feeling?
  I felt betrayed. She says she cares about me but I feel like her actions don't show it. I wanted to kill myself because I feel like I will always be in love with her and it's just going to hurt me.
• why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
  This was definitely the final straw. Things have been spiraling downwards months and this last week was the absolute worst it's ever been.
• how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
  I walked in on them and I stood there and then I grabbed my car keys and left. I shouldn't have done that. It just made things worse. When I finally got back to the house, after just driving around, I wouldn't speak to anyone. I resolved to cut the next morning when everyone was gone. I shouldn't have made a promise like that to myself.
• were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
  I've been either high or drunk every night for the past week. If I can't sleep, I crush up my lexapro and snort it. It's gotten completely out of hand. I don't sleep very well at all. I stay up until at least five in the morning. I don't know how to stop. I feel like if I try to go a day without any kind of drug, I'll break. The next time I feel like hurting myself or killing myself, which is more and more often, I should probably try to consider whether or not it's just the drugs talking. Maybe if I didn't do so much harm to myself daily I'd be able to handle the stones life throws.
• what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
  I've tried just writing down every thought in my head, no matter how ashamed or selfish or guilty they make me feel. This hasn't been working lately though because it just makes me feel like all my emotions are spinning up into some terrible climax. I try distracting myself with a movie or a book. This works resaonably well, except that there is a moment at the end of the day where I feel like I've been neglecting myself and I get very sad.
• in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
  I should have talked to someone. There aren't a lot of people I can talk to, I don't have a lot of friends. I move around a lot so it's hard to keep in contact with people. I shouldn't be so afraid of what people will think of me. I should just ask someone to sit down with me and listen to what I need to say.
• name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
  Go to a room of the house where there are people. I shouldn't let myself be alone when I'm in that state. Also, I could keep my phone with me and if I feel like calling someone, I should.
• how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
  It's not resolved at all. I'm going to try and deal with it the best I can and be a good person. I don't want to seem like I'm crazy or something. When school starts, I'm moving out and I'm not going to let myself be around the people who provide my alcohol and drugs. I just need to stop being around it.
  
  
• are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
  It's very likely. I'll recognize it because it will feel like life is utterly pointless and my body is something I don't care about abusing.
  
  
• what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will go to where people are. I will put in music that isn't sad or a movie that isn't sad. I'll go outside to get some fresh air and maybe perspective.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

• What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
  There was no one in the house.
• Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
  It was there for the taking.
• What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
  I probably would have just detached from everything.
• If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
  It would have decreased, but it might have built up for the next oppotunity.
• What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
  All three of those, really. I have to know no one will bother me, I like to have sharp razors, and it feels the most relieving to me when I'm extremely sad or angry, cutting releases that.
• If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Shut down... maybe. Repressed. I would feel trapped.

Hi madqueen

It sounds like you're in a very stressful living situation...you say that you're going to move out once school starts...is there a reason why you can't move out sooner? It doesn't sound like the place you're in now is good for you at all.

As for the other stressors...addiction issues can be very difficult to deal with on your own. Do you have a t, or access to a support group? Many communities have twelve-step groups now to help people deal with addictions.

You also mentioned that there comes a moment at night where you feel you've been neglecting yourself...can you think of any positive, loving ways to do that? A warm bath, some tea or cocoa, a book or movie that you especially enjoy...something nice for yourself, not harsh.

I hope you're doing okay. Take gentle care.

Thank you so much for replying, I really appreciate it!

Yeah, there's really no where else I can go. My family is scattered across the world right now. It's pretty crazy. But I think I can make it a couple more weeks until school starts.

I've been doing a little better since I posted this. I went out and bought myself my favorite food for dinner (lamb gyros!) and I listened to some good music and drove myself to a pretty part of town. It was very relaxing. I think it's easy to forget to do nice things for yourself when there is so much stressful stuff going on.

I've recently talked to my mom about seeing a doctor or some kind of therapist. This was a really big step for me because I don't usually talk to my mom about that kind of stuff.

I really just want to be better and I think, for the first time, I'm really understanding that I have to want it before I can ever have it.

Thank you, little bear cub!