bus

Even though it's a little late I thought I'd make an after thread (was very busy after I made my before post).
I'll go by thinking back to previous cuts etc. It might not all be exactly how I felt last time, but more generally.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
I always do that indeed.

what had happened just before?
I couldn't stand the urge, the worthlessness feelings, all the anger, and the rest of the feeligns bottled up.

what were you thinking and feeling?
Well I was thinking about how little I was worth, how stupid I was, how much I hate my parents for splitting up. The weird feelings of seeing my parent with new partners.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
I don't really know for this one to be honest. I just felt like I really needed to.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
Wake up>Feel crap as usual>Spend some hours doing nothing in my room looking at the rain>Start to feel urges to escape>Try to place my mind on something else (ex play wow/chat with friends etc)>Use some coping methods>Not working>Cut

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Well I don't do drugs, I don't drink except at some parties, and I'm not on meds (though I wish I was sometimes). However I do lack sleep. I can't sleep well at all nowadays, well anytime I'm depressed anyways.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I don't remember the methods I tried, but I do try some every time. And seeing as I cut myself, they can't have worked too well.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Well I guess I should just try more coping methods next time. But SI is just the easy way out, and it's always easier to give in.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I will have a note wrapped around my [tool] sayign that I should try some coping methods/think over what I'm doing. And I will promise myself to talk to a friend before I do it.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Well it did indeed help me then. And for some time after that as well. But then it goes back to normal and it sucks. Well I should really try to get a therapist, but that means telling my family.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I am very likely to be there again yes. I regonize it when I start feeling urges to cut myself in order to feel relief and punishment.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Try at least three coping methods.
Talk to some friends.
Ask if I can spend some time with a friend.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?
Well, it just felt right then. It's hard to explain but it was just THE time to do it then. And then later it's THE time again.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
Well seeign as the weather is crap here, I don't get much sleep, and I can't always be with friends there are a lot of opportunities for me.

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?
I would have talked to someone. If I was at school I would either focus more, or ask for a break. If not I could always try to make an opportunity.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?
Increased probably. I would feel more and more need to self-harm if I couldn't cope with it either at the time.

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?
Well I need to feel urges. I don't SI if i'm feeling good or alright. Being alone helps, but I can always go to the bathroom etc. I don't have many tools and I don't buy new ones.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?
Angry and irritated but at the same time probably thankful.

After You Beat an Urge
How do you beat your urges? Examine how you beat the last one so it can help you beat the next one.
I pushed it away as long as I could until I had something to do. Using coping methods, just getting busy with some work etc.

Did I identify what feelings were leading me to want to SI?
Not all of them. But there are some common ones.

If Yes - What were they, and how did I figure them out?
Worthlessness, frustration, apathy, tiredness, anger. Well I just sat down and went over what I was feeling before I cut myself.

What coping skills did I use to deal with these feelings?
Well I tried relaxing by taking a bath, getting busy with some work around the house, talking to people.

Were these coping skills the most effective I could have used?
Well not relaxing. But talking works to some extent, so does working but that still gives me time to think about SI and all the feelings.

Why do I think they worked?
Well it is almost always nice to talk to someone who understands (to some extent at least), and getting busy helps at times. Depends on how busy I am. If I have to really focus on what I am doing, it is working well. If I can still think about all my crap it's not working.

How can I deal with these feelings more effectively next time, before the urge to SI sets in?
Not totally sure. Looking for advice here.

hey, well done for attempting to answer the after questions, it's often really useful to do it after a specific episode of SI too (instead of the general one that you've done) as it can help focus more on the feeling behind each trigger/urge.

you seem to have done a really good job at analysing the thoughts and feelings behind your self harm, having a load of bottled up feelings can be really difficult to cope with, have you thought about other ways that you might be able to express these feelings such as writing or drawing?

i can see that you've been trying to cope in other ways instead of SI and are only hurting yourself when those don't wor, have you thought about checing out this thread it's full of loads and loads of other things you can do to help cope with urges/distract yourself etc.

wrapping a note to your tool to remind you to try other coping methods is a fantastic idea, it's a really good way to remind yourself to try them even when it's a hard thing to do.

it sounds like you havea lot of opportunities / time on your own, is there something that you could do to improve that so that perhaps the urges are less frequent?

*k*

Yeah, I'll do another one right after next time.

I could try to do some writing instead next time. Might be helpful.

Well it's because of the summer vacation now that I have a lot of opportunities, more than normally at least. I'll be a little more busy when school starts.