bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:



how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Well it numbs the negative feelings so I can move on but doesn`t neccessarily change the situation. When I do hurt myself I feel like nothing else can anymore then I have. So I can finally stand up & face whatever comes my way.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It brings me temporary strength & courage but leaves remorse. i might tackle the situation but through the scars I still carry it in a sense. It brings security but takes away self accomplishment. A meaningless goal

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel free. Happier. Hurting myself takes me further.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

Probably not long at all & I`ll just end up doing it over & over again


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I tend to take long baths. It relaxes & clears my mind so I can think straight. Then I can sort things out & fix the problem the right way. It lasts almost forever. Then I can be happy until something else comes up.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I hurt myself I`ll keep looking at the cuts & feel dissappointed in myself. I`ll feel at peace if I take a bath & sort things out right.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want help, so I have to speak up.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer



Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

My childhood I guess. I was neglected unless I was being punished. Punishment was always a beating & not a normal one either (hangers,cords, that sorta stuff). Everyone I loved hurt me. School everyone was always teasing me no matter how nice I was to them. Suddenly it all stopped recentl, but something in my past has got a deathlock on me. Anger, sadness. I`m not sure. But maybe since everyone else hurt me & stopped maybe I should do it so they can`t anymore.

& my brother...my whole life I wanted a little brother, I found out I had one when I was about 11. 2 years younger then me,died at birth. I SLEPT in the room I found his remains in. They even had post mortem pics. It scared me into a state of shock, I became withdrawn & soon after started SI. To put the icing on the cake, I confronted my mother on it last yr. She didn`t even remember him until I explained. After that she acted like he never existed & I thought What if that was me? Would she care? Would anyone care? Would they even remember? So I celebrate his bday & acknowledge him on my own


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

No I haven`t. I thought it out. Then I didn`t feel anything


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I opened up & thought things through (& I just had a bath). I can draw on myself with red marker on pen where I want to cut.


How do I feel right now?

At peace, relaxed. A bit sad


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Like I`m not even myself. Numb to everyone & everything around me. If not euphoric or manic.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Depressed, like I`ve failed myself.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I`m not sure when the stressor is the environment & ppl in it.


Do I need to hurt myself?

No but I just feel like it

it seems like you've already got some good coping strategies that wor well when you feel urgy, that's really cool and I'm glad that you can recognise when you're feeling low and want to put them into practice.

with what you wrote about your childhood (and i might have misunderstood so if i'm off base feel free to ignore) it sounds like part of the reason you hurt yourself is becaue others have done it to you in the past, could you perhaps try and loo at it in a differnt way, just becasue other people have hurt you don't mean it was the right thing for them to do, maybe if you don't hurt yourself then you'll be proving them all wrong, becasue you are worth more than that.

I'm aorry about your brother, that must be a really hard situation to dealwith, it sounds like perhaps ignoring the situation is just your mum's way of coping, perhaps it's too painful for her to remember, could you explain to her how you feel about it?

That was actually the first time I used that one, the key is to make sure there`s nothing sharp in the bathroom first or it`s almost pointless.

That could have contributed to it but for a long time I was angry & blocked people out. Which I found to be pointless because this happened.

Akeboshi wind lyrics

Cultivate your hunger before you idealize.
Motivate your anger to make them all realize.
Climbing the mountain, never coming down.
Break into the contents, never falling down.

My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve,
Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door.
A man railed at me twice though, but I didn't care.
Waiting is wasting for people like me.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't dry with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.

You say, "Dreams are dreams.
"I ain't gonna play the fool anymore."
You say, "'Cause I still got my soul."

Take your time, baby, your blood needs slowing down.
Breach your soul to reach yourself before you gloom.
Reflection of fear makes shadows of nothing, shadows of nothing.

You still are blind, if you see a winding road,
'Cause there's always a straight way to the point you see.

Don't try to live so wise.
Don't cry 'cause you're so right.
Don't dry with fakes or fears,
'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.


I did end up hating myself for doing what they did to me. But the last straw was my brother, when I found out I IMMEDIATELY went into shock. I was only a little kid cleaning her room & finding that in there was I don`t know. After that my SI started but it was a build up of everything that happened in the past & became a way of handling the future.

My mother, I don`t know. She`s always been a cruel & selfish person to me. She`s never liked to talk or anything like that. For the longest she didn`t even want me, my grandparents raised me. When I was with her she either locked me in my room, ignored me & so on . The hate in her house greatly outnumbers the love even to this day. Now I`m just a maid to her. Direct contact with her is a trigger asking to happen.

I came to terms with my brother I guess. he`s the reason I`m still alive. When I first started SI I knew it was wrong but I promised to live for the both of us no matter what I had to do. & hopefully I`ll live out that promise happily