bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
Little things have been getting to me all week, because I've blocked out the big stuff. I thought I could go into it with my T today, but I move in 10 Days, so she said better not to.
Tipped over by a boy I know trying to talk to me about his SA.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  I will be back safe, back in control.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It'll make me feel stronger, and get rid of the urges. It'd be yet another in my list of failures.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I don't care. I don't see a "long run" I see tonight.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Long enough?
  I don't know
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  Call Saneline or Samaritans later. But I can't until about 11 at the earliest, and it's now I wanna cut.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  Crap either way? Probably.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know. The fact that I bothered to fill this in suggests some wish to beat the urges I guess, but I can't feel it.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  Not dealing with the big things.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I cut, feel guilty, feel bad, cut...
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Bus. Tried to think.
• How do I feel right now?
  Low. SU. Scared. Urgy.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Safe.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Guilty. Crap. Same as ever.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can avoid Alex, but not the other stuff.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

If I knew I wouldn't post this. But I feel as if I do.

Hi Pagmie

It strikes me, from reading your posts here and other places, that you are trying really hard to use safe coping mechanisms. I think that's very admirable, because I know you're going through a lot at the moment...and the encounter with the boy you're talking about certainly couldn't have helped things any.

I haven't really got any suggestions - I think you know yourself pretty well, and that you know what you want and need right now. I don't know what way you went with this...but however you handled this urge, please be gentle with yourself and know that you're deserving of that gentleness.

Take care of yourself...you are a person of worth and value. I admire you a great deal.

Hi LBC,

Thanks for the reply. I am trying, sometimes feels like on Bus all I do is piss people off by moaning and never saying anything new, but I do try, and will continue.
I did cut. Not too majorly (tries to justify to self) but I can keep trying anyway.

Thank you for saying you admire me. My brain is screaming that nobody could, but, thanks for saying it

Miranda