bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  it won't change, the inner turmoilness will stop or change
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  it will complicate things... I've done well at not cutting, and am proud of myself for that
  people who I have tried to talk to for support have been very invalidating, so I guess in a weird way it will be like hey I mean it... I dunno how to explain it
  it will bring dissappointment
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to be able to think clearly, believe in myself, and stand up for myself. And be objective
  probably get me further from this
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  it would last a short period of time I think but get rid of some frustrations and make me feel like I am getting what I deserve in a way.
  I'd probably sleep
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I'm waiting to see if my friend calls back
  I can stay on bus
  the best would be if my friend calls, I can talk to her about at least part of my situation and she makes me feel like I am doing the right thing... it would last longer than cutting
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I would feel guilty
  I would feel, better if she called back... if I stay here then I would probably feel the same, but could try calling her back in the morning
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I'm not sure, I want to go back in time and never have gone out with him... since this is impossible, I want to confident of what I say and do- if I was talking to someone else I would say they are completely right, that it is reasonable to be confused but the choices they are making are the best for the person. And they are not responsible for this other person

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  compilation of things- a few experiences with coworkers- one whom I respect and made me doubt some things I was excited about, this was not her intent but threw me and I was already in a vulnerable place; one other coworker who said some things that really disturbed me
  those aren't the main things but sorta brought down my defenses and made it harder to handle the situation with B
  - B has had a few seizures, I didn't believe it with the first one(and now feel horrible for not ) because he lies frequently, but he's having memory problems and stuff, his gf is treating him like crap.
  -I don't want to talk to him, he is abusive- one message I sent him that said good luck was met by a bunch of emails and messages
  -I don't know how much longer he will live, he is getting worse
  -I feel like I should do something, I feel like I am being cold hearted and mean
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  When he was first told he wasn't going to live much longer I was in a stronger place emotionally. I talked to a friend and she said I was being generous emotionally and no where near callous. I still had trouble but I think I was more accepting of the support.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I called my friend, I am watching a movie I enjoy, I am on here
• How do I feel right now?
  confused... vulnerable, I don't want anyone around me knowing this situation is effecting me this much (B having the strokes)
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  not much, here I always seem to say I can focus... it clears up the confusion in my head at the time.
  Actually filling this out has begun to help this part too... a bit
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  tired
  tomorrow, dissappointed
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I think avoiding the things that let my defenses down would be what I mainly need to address, because I know talking about B with a friend helps me feel better...
  addressing the coworkers part- I can let the first know that she hurt my feelings; Talk to the second... not sure how yet, every time I do I tend to dig myself deeper into a hole
• Do I need to hurt myself?

want not need

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will complicate things... I've done well at not cutting, and am proud of myself for that
people who I have tried to talk to for support have been very invalidating, so I guess in a weird way it will be like hey I mean it... I dunno how to explain it
it will bring dissappointment

try and hold onto feeling proud when you feel like giving in, the acievement of doing well at not cutting can be a great motivator to eep going. I'm really sorry that your friends were so invalidating, i think i understnad what you are getting at, maybe you could tal tothem about how you're feeling, explain a bit more what you'd like from them? if that's not possible try to focus on you and what you want and take your friends out of the equation when you're feeling emotional (if you can, i know it's not easy)

it seems like you know what the right answer to your situation is, but you're having trouble applying it to yourself (i do that too ) perhaps you could write a letter as if you were writing to someone else, and then read it, see if it is more applicable when it's written to you?

I hope that your friend called back and that you managed to stay safe and that by writing some of this out it's helped clear things a bit

take care

*k*

Thank you!
Writing helped... you are right I seem to know what can be done- I know the steps, I am not making them feel real though.
I like the idea of writing a letter to myself, thank you thats a good idea.

I was able to cry some last night which helped too, she didn't call and I wasn't able to talk long when I called again.

At the moment it may be better to keep the friends out of the equation and try to listen to myself more that I am doing things well (can put that in the letter idea)