bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
I know.
I knew it would never come to anything
Where did the pics come from then
Not on your computer, well, thats fine
Be free
Go get on with your fucking life

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It won't
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  No change, no change whatsoever
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  Right now? I dont care
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Long enough - few hours
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  talk to tqs on the phone - will last until i have to hang up
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  same shit
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

cut
fucking hurt then what H said wont hurt so much

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

Hi Pagmie

You sound very upset...I hope you're feeling a bit better now?

I think you pretty much summed everything up with your last statement: someone hurt your feelings, pretty badly it sounds like.

Why are you turning your anger at that person onto yourself? You don't deserve that.

Could you write H a letter about how you feel? You don't necessarily need to send it...just find a way to get those angry feelings out of you.

Please be gentle with you, ok?

Hi Kirsty (if I may call you that)


I can't be angry at H, it isn't her fault at all.
Background - H is the investigating officer after I told the police about SA.
About 6 weeks ago I was told that there was not enough evidence for the case to go to court. Last hope was the photos he took of SA would be on his computer. They weren't - found out Friday.
So he goes free
Completely
H was sure there would be photos on his PC

They say they believe me but its my word against his. And he's the pillar of the community, im the mentally ill teenager.

I feel upset, feel like curling up and crying but I dont want to be overwhelmed.
I havent cut yet, decided to try but im really running low.
I dont want to do this
I want to let him win
Like i did then
only this time id have the control to choose to
and i might not hate mysel fso fucking much

hi,

wow, i can see why that would be really
triggering. have you ever had feelings
come up around this before, and been
successful at finding something else
other than s.i. to help you feel better?
do you remember what it was?

do you have any friends irl that you
could sit with or visit or talk to? because
this is not the kind of thing that people
should be alone with. i think you're
right, you are just looking for something
to help. and you have every right to be
angry/upset. that is really something
horrible to have to go through. hope
you can be nice to yourself whatever
you choose to do and not pile guilt
and blame on yourself in addition to
what you're going through already.