before...

[graceless]

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel less like a ticking time bomb... I won't have the constant thought of SI after I've done it.


* what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring me peace....thats all i need just now, peace - then sleep.


* how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I can't think that far in advance...i need to worry about just now, not tomorrow because theres no clarity at all in my life just now.



* if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i'll be ok til tomorrow, maybe the day after...shame usually makes it easy for me not to think about it for a day or two.



* what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could go to sleep...but thats a waste of a day and only helps me avoid living for a couple more hours. i can't live like that


* how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
if i go to sleep, when i wake up i'll e in the same place i am just now. if i cut tomorrow might be abit better



* what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to cut, but im house sitting and theres something weird about doing it in someone elses home...especially when i don't have any tools that are mine


* Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
there is nothing else left. its all i have that helps me control the hate i feel towards myself and the disappointment of who i am...or who i'm not more accurately.


* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yup - i cut - life goes on



* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i swallowed pills that gave me something else to focus on, deflection i think you'd call it.



* How do I feel right now?
horrible...i'm a mess. i wish i wasn't so lonely but then i don't want to be any other way in this state


* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
satisfied


* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?




* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
future?....


* Do I need to hurt myself?
yes

[caged bird]

hey, well done on trying to answer some of the questions in here, i now they can be really hard to do when you're feeling bad.

* how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I will feel less like a ticking time bomb... I won't have the constant thought of SI after I've done it.

what will be your thoughts after you've done it, will you think about what you have done and therefore still have SI in your head, or will it stop the thoughts altogether?

it sounds, from what you wrote that you're in a really bad place right now, and that thining beyond the here and now is hard for you. that's not always a terrible thing but it can mae it really difficult to try and eep going if you can't focus on anything beyond the here and now. is there anyone IRL that you can talk to? have you been getting support from your doctor? if not maybe it would be worth talking to them?

take care

[graceless]

I've been to the doctors but where i am (scotland) the support tends to be pretty poor. I just don't really have anyone to talk to, or the words to say even.

i sound so dramatic - but i just cant seem to find anything better.
i haven't cut yet so maybe thats a good sign?
thanks for taking time to post.

xxxx