bus

it's been awhile since i've had a "run" of no si
and i've tried to go for one day a few times lately
and not done it. its 9 pm and so far today i haven't
done it, but i feel like doing it now. i feel hot and restless
(no air conditioning in my place), i feel sad about some
things. i feel overwhelmed at the idea of the holiday
tomorrow (4th of july, not a "big" holiday, but i have
trouble with all holidays and special occasions they
always bring up painful memories and feelings.)

so my classes are cancelled, tons of people will be about
(like on a saturday ) and i don't have anything
planned with anyone for what to do. i do have a
family member to spend time with, but they are
already disappointed about plans with their friends
falling through and if they do something with me,
they will probably have a negative attitude and
do it begrudgingly. (not that its their responsibility
to make things better for me.)

i just didn't even think to make plans
because i seem to habitually underestimate
holidays (especially how the "smaller" ones are
going to effect me and how the lack of plans
and belonging/company effects me.) i so often
forget until the day before, or the day of, when
the feelings come up.

so i'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all
at this point. and i feel highly emotional today
like i want to cry. today in one of my classes
i felt hit pretty hard by some painful feelings.
a new teacher i have, she is a very nurturing
mothering type of person, and she is the kind
of person who is capable of closeness and i
kept starting to cry because it was touching
on something deeply, these feelings having
to do with a lack of nurturing, lack of
closeness...

so i've started to cry a number of times today.
and i'd really like to make one day without
doing my s.i. behavior. but you know what
sounds worse than that? being stuck with
the feelings and the overwhelming sense
of being stuck, trapped, alone. i don't like
the way i feel right now, but i will try to
be nice to myself and understanding and
gentle with myself and take things one
minute at a time.

-h

9pm is a long way through the day already, and it sounds lie you've delt with some tough stuff today.

with regards to tomorrow, can you tag onto plans that your friends already have so that you can eep occupied and active?

good luck on trying to take care of yourself

*k*

hi k,

thanks for the reply, it helped last night.
hey, i've got one day.

i am having a hard time this morning already
though. would have done it when i got up if i
hadn't been trying to do this, yknow?

i'm going to call around al-anon later to see if
there is anything going on today. they might
have a picnic or something.

i am still struggling emotionally today. it was
"with me" as soon as i woke up. but i am
trying. i feel like its going to be a big effort
today not to do it.

congrats on making it through last night and getting one day

unfortunately it is goig to be hard, fighting urges that you're used to giving into is a massive challenge.

good luck to keep going, remember to use the coping threads and here as much as you want/need to. and just try and hold onto the happy feeling of each day without

hi caged bird, thank you. its 7:38 pm and
so far i haven't done it. just got home from
the river, we went floating on the river and
it was fun. took a lot of time. now i'm back
home again so i have to really be careful.
because its almost always at home when
i do it. its the worst place for me to be
in that way.

is there anyone you could get to spend time with you at home, maybe act as a bit of a distraction when you aren't out and about doing stuff?

well done on getting so far along hope you made it through the night

hi! hi!

i did make it through the night! so i have
two days now. i am very happy about that.
i get so discouraged though when i think
about how i've gone like 3 months before,
and then blown everything. so i almost feel
like why am i doing this? you know, i build
it all up, i get all excited, and then i blow things.
and sometimes the shitty part is finding out that
quitting s.i. doesn't do everything "magical" i
think its gonna do to change my life. if that makes
sense. and then i do it again, because then i still
have the "dream" dangled out there in front of
me that "someday...." but when the "someday"
dream is gone, i'm left with what is right now
and sometimes that doesn't feel like enough.
does that make sense? thank you again for
reading along and being with me. i really
appreciate it.

3 days

well done you're doing really well,

no, quitting SI won't wave a magic wand and fix everyhting unfortunately, but it can help make things better, and it can put you in a better positin to cope with everyhting else so that you can get things bac on track.

keep going

hi there

well i didn't make it yesterday but so far
today, so good. it's 7:11 pm so if i can
make it for the rest of the night, i'll have
one day. i haven't done any of the
"little ones" that i wasn't counting before
today. so if i get one day today, it'll be
one day with no s.i. at all. i slept alot
today. had two naps and when was
asleep i dreamed about fried chicken
and when i woke up and ate some fish
and beans and rice i made, i got this
really bad pain all up my side and my
face looks red and shiny. i hope i'm
not ill. but anyway, so far, so good
with the s.i.

hi caged bird,

i was going to stay away from bus, but
i have noticed since i quit posting here,
i quit trying all together and my face is
not looking so great (picking at my skin is
my most frequent s.i.) so i am back to try
again. my goal is not to do it anymore
tonight.

well i made it through the night. it is 5 a.m.
okay my goal it to make it to 10:00 am.
(maybe smaller goals will be better for
me.)

well i made it 27 minutes. i actually forgot
i made a goal. okay, starting again. 5:28 a.m.

hey ya,

I'm sorry you're struggling with urges right now, would it help to answer the questions on here next tine you have an urge? I've had days where i've answered them every 20 mins or so just to keep focusing myself on why i'm trying so hard to stop.

what do you think the reason is that when you stopped visiting BUS you stopped trying?

Good luck with today

*k*

hi k,

i think its because i have to be really focused
on the goal, and stating what's going on and
what i'm going for helps. you know, its like
putting up on a bulletin board, i guess i feel
more "accounatable" or something.

i have so many things i want to get done today,
i don't want to have to answer the questions,
plus i am kind of jittery and it feels like that
would slow me down too much. maybe that's
wrong, it might just be the way it seems.

i suppose i could try next time i feel the urge.
wow every 20 minutes sounds like you were
very determined. do you feel like it is deter-
mination that got you so far?

o'm not sure it was determination, more a desperation to want things to be differnt and to not have totell lies for the rest of my life i used to have a print out of them and carry it around in my bag too at school.

maybe you could have a workshop thread just to work through keeping focused on your goals, and helping with support for how to fight the urges and cope in other ways? I've found workshop really helpful and it's a good way to get others to eep a chec on your sometimes to get you started off again.

no worries about not wanting to answer the questions, maybe do something nice and relaxing to help relieve the jittery-ness

am going to go for one day again. i haven't
been doing it too badly lately but i haven't
been abstinent either. so here goes.

good luck

hi caged birdie

thank you for the well wishing but i decided it's not
for me. i seem to do better just by trying to be
positive than trying to be completely abstinent
and counting days. too much pressure. *shrug*

changed my mind again. i have one day and i like
the way that feels. at the outpatient program i am
going to, i have a class called "self defeating beha-
vior patterns." so i think i'm going to work on s.i.