bus

Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:
I feel angry and upset and uncertain. Theres a lot going on for me. I feel attacked and I also feel worried. I have to speak to H - police tomorrow and I am unsure what she will say.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  It won't change. But I will feel better.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will make me guilty and upset. It will worry H and it will fuel her anxieties that I am not strong enough for all this.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  Right now, I can't see a future. So this feels irrelevant.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  Not long. So I will cut again, or deeper, all night.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I need to talk to Helen. Tomorrow.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will feel guilty if I cut, but ther is nothing else *now* that'll help.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I need to cut, if only to make me less suicidal.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I did it. It was my fault. So i deserve to hurt.
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  I cut every time I feel this way. And nothing ever changes.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  Nothing, becuase a big aprt of me wants to hurt.
• How do I feel right now?
  Suicidal, scared, unsure, unhapy.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  Released, stronger, safer.
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  Crap until I cut again. Guilty.
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  No, because it is just everything.
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Yes.

hey i hope you don't mind me replying.

it sounds like you've got a lot going on right now and being worried about upcoming events can be a major stressor to deal with.

is there any way that you could talk to someone tonight, it seems you would explain a lot to Helen, can you get hold of her now, talk to her before you do anyhting. From what you wrote it sounds like you don't want to cut but don't feel like you've got other options right now.


is there anything else that you can do to distract yourself for the rest of tonight until you have your meeting tomorrow?

well done on posting here, when you feel really bad i know it can be difficult to do
*k*

I'm fine with you replying.

Helen is the police officer, and cannot be reached until tomorrow. A lot of it is tied up with needing to talk to her and know if the guy who SA'd me is allowed back to the job he met me at.
The probability is yes.

That frightens me a lot, especially as the reason it didn't go to court was
a) I fucked up my video interview
b)Lack of evidence
c)Her being worried about my mental state

And I don't want to be responsible for more pain.

I have realised that I am going back to the mental place I was in before going IP, and with that comes not sleeping much, so it will be a hard night.
I can't see myself not ending up cutting.

I dunno, I think I need support tonight, I hope that J will be around. She said she might be.

if J isn't around is there anyone else that you can get support from tonight?

That frightens me a lot, especially as the reason it didn't go to court was
a) I fucked up my video interview
b)Lack of evidence
c)Her being worried about my mental state

And I don't want to be responsible for more pain.

i might be slightly off base here (feel free to ignore if i am) but from what you wrote (well a and c anyway) you're putting a lot of this on you. Please try and remember that it is not your fault and that you are coping with a lot of things yourself, it is not your responsibility to fix things for other people. i would imagine (unfortunately) that lac of evidence was the main reason for the case not going to court. if there is evidence even without your video report and other things it's a lot easier to prosecute.

i hope you get through tonight ok

*k*

I am talking to people, but I am conscious that I can't say much to them.
I don't have to say much to J, I just know she is a safe person.


With the list, H said she would have pressed for it to go to court but she was too worried I would kill myself.

My only way of coping is to blame myself.

It's all I can do.





I really don't feel good.

i think that's a bit unfair of H to put pressure like that on to you, it's important that you do what you need to to keep surviving.

I hope you are able to talk to J tonight, if not though I know you're limited on the people that you can tal to and what you can say but could you call a helpline. i've found the samaritans relaly good whn i've been feeling triggered, urgy and suicidal and everyhting you say to them is completely confidential, so no one would ever even have to know if you taked tothem or what you said.

*k*

I can't call them, due to mobile phone credit issues.


I call C/line occasionally, but they want to set up a regular call and I am unsure about that.
I ahve a list of helplines in my room. I might look at that or something.

I don't know what I want.


With the Helen thing, she has to be straight. That's her job.
It just hurts sometimes.

You could try one of these...
1 Grab someone over IM and just keep talking
2 call anyone, a friend, and don't focus on the urge, just talk and talk and talk.
3 Don't stay alone,
go to the park,
go to a store,
go anywhere.

Good luck I'm sure you'll be okay