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Before:

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  it won't, I'll be distracted I'll feel like I have punished myself for being a jerk, I'll reinforce how I'm feeling
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  It will bring validation that I'm a bad person. It will let me get rid of some of my anger and hurt
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  I want to have faith in myself, I want to trust myself and that I make my own decisions and other people make theirs. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I do the best I can and that is enough.
  It will bring me farther from these
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  I don't know how long it will last, I keep thinking of the last time I had- it was odd, I wasn't triggered at all by lots of really tough things it was like one big release and I felt wonderful, and happy. Usually it only lasts a day maybe, more like just get me through the night- trying to think of that more.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  I don't know- I want to let this feeling go, I want to get rid of it. I'm going to try to read, but each time I pick up the book I try checking to see if I find out if I really did screw everything up. I want to yell or at least cry but I can't- it's late and I don't want anyone to hear me. It's still not something that would make a lasting change I don't think- maybe tomorrow I could hike and get away from everything.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  I will feel worse in a way but better if I hurt myself- more worse though. I don't know bout the reading, hopefully I'd at least get sleep and that could help me feel more together and maybe think clearer
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to...not feel worthless and like a horrible person- I want to go back and time and just not have said anything. I don't like causing trouble.

urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  I told b's new gf what I thought of b and why I broke up with him- he insisted on me talking to him, then to her, I told him I wasn't going to say nice things at all. He insisted and I gave in- I should have just ignored him. Now she says shes leaving him, I tried to tell her she needs to make her own choice- I feel bad about that too because it's like part of me wants them to stay together because then I don't have to be afraid of him, the other part of me really wants her to make her own choice and not just leave because of how he treated me.
  I don't like causing problems, I hate giving in to pressure,
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  Generically sure- I've felt like I have caused problems before, specifically no- this became really complicated really fast- it's like a no win situation I've created- if she goes, it's my fault; if she stays- is it because I talked her into staying because I don't want him coming after me.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
  I took a hot shower, I wrote this.
  (it happened yesterday) I slept. I tried to be around people at work, but it just made me feel worse. I've been trying to tell myself she is making her own choices- she didn't have to talk to me, he could have taken all my messages of leave me alone and not hounded me and make me feel like the bad guy/ horrible mean person who won't even talk to him.
• How do I feel right now?
  mean, horrible, worthless, like a jerk, sad, pathetic, hopeless,
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  sad, not much else, distracted- I would be more watching myself than feeling much at all, but relieved
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  tomorrow morning I would feel discouraged, I would have let myself down
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  I can sign off when I see a message from him, I can tell my mom they make their own choices (and try to believe it- I've told her before but she still tells me of this stuff)
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Probably not a need... I NEED to cry...

Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

Hi Kendra

It sounds like an awkward situation. Although I can understand why you might feel bad, I don't think you're really to blame - you were asked to talk, you said it wasn't going to be pretty, and he insisted. The only thing you maybe could have done differently is been firmer about how you didn't want to do something that made you uncomfortable...but it sounds as if that would have been difficult too, given the situation.

Bottom line...I think you're being awfully hard on yourself. Now that you've had a bit of time to process it all, how do you feel?

You said you couldn't cry because you didn't want people to hear, and because you didn't believe that it would solve anything in the long run. Never underestimate the power of a good cry. You mentioned hiking...is this a possibility for getting some alone time in the future, when you need to cry?

I hope you're doing okay. Did answering the questions help?

Thanks LBC
About this situation, I feel a bit better...overall cruddy
Maybe being alone isn't a good thing- when I think about it more, I began getting harder on myself when I had nothing to do at work so I had too much time to think.
Maybe I can get the courage to call a friend and invite myself over or something- that may be helpful.
The hike helped slightly, but I get alone and feel cruddy again.
Oh and I know crying is a great relief, it is hard though to let myself or get myself to.
The questions did help, less so than usually but they did a bit

I'm misreading and misinterpreting things, (more things that happened today) but no matter how much I tell myself I am being harsh or misreading because I'm sad I can't convince myself.
Does it ever actually sink in?

Hi Kendra

I can relate to thinking too much when you're alone - that's a problem that I have, too, particularly when there's something about *me* that's bothering me. That's a good insight that you've made. Who could you call or hang out with in the times when it's not good to be alone?

It's hard to get things to "sink in" sometimes, especially when strong feelings are attached. But feelings don't *always* reflect truth. Just something to think about.

There is one possibility of a person I could call but she doesn't answer very often, but I can trust her at least and go to her house. There is a friend I can call too but not go and see.
I'm trying to build up some sorta group of friends (my ex had sorta chased them all away) so I don't have many I'm really close to.