bus

Before You Self-Harm
write down the shadow that's hiding behind the urge. look at it. ask yourself:

I am upset because I am not returning to my summer camp for the first time in 18 years. I am also feeling like I might dissociate.

• how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
  
  I still will not be returning to camp if I cut, but it will ground me and keep me from dissociating.
• what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
  
  Hurting myself will take away the dissociative feeling. It will ground me and keep me from dissociating.
• how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
  
  I want to go to camp. It will not get me to camp. I want to not dissociate. It will keep me from dissociating.
• if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
  
  
  Relief will last until I realize I'm still not going back to camp, or it will last until I stop dissociating.
• what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
  
  I could cry. I could try to ground myself using other techniques. The change will not last. It will not change the situation that I am not going back to camp. It will not change that I feel like I might start dissociating.
• how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
  
  I will feel guilty for hurting myself. I dont' know how I will feel if I don't.
• what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

What I really want to do is go back to camp and I want to not dissociate. I can't go to camp, but I could camp out in the back of the farm for the same feeling. I could try some grounding techniques to keep the dissociation at bay.


urges aren't necessarily the enemy. they happen for reasons, and they're an expression of a desire to stay alive and stay sane and keep coping. remember that.

More Before Questions To Answer

• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
  
  I feel the need to hurt myself to ground myself from a dissociative episode I feel coming on
• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
  
  yes, I have, and I cut to deal with it. It made me feel better that I didn't dissociate.
• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I took the dog for a walk, I knit a scarf, I posted on BUS, I watched TV. I could call a friend. Knit more.
• How do I feel right now?
  
  very spacy, like I might dissociate. Also lost because with out summer camp I have noplace to be.
• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
  
  relieved, grounded
• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
  relieved, then guilty tomorrow morning
• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
  No, I can't avoid not going back to camp. I cannot avoid dissociation, either
• Do I need to hurt myself?

Yes? No? I don't know. It's the only thing that brings me out of my dissociative states. I don't need to hurt myself over camp. It wont change anything on that end.
Remember you don't have to answer all the questions if you don't feel up to it.

It seems as though you realize that cutting won't change the situation you're in. It's a big step to be able to sit back and objectively realize that. The dissociation is another matter. Cutting may stop that temporarily, however, if dissociation is a reoccurring problem for you, perhaps you should see someone to attempt to get everything sorted out. Professionals can probably give you advice on how to control dissociation in less harmful ways. It's something to think about i guess.

Take care of yourself.

Yes, I do know that cutting isn't going to change the fact that I am not returning to camp. It might temporarily help me feel better about it, but it won't change it, and I won't feel better about it for long. I am learning this.

As for the dissociation, my pdoc and my T know, recognize the fact that cutting helps to ground me during it, but really haven't offered any alternatives. I know there must be ways other than SI, but I have yet to figure them out.

Love,
Stevie